Sunday, April 09, 2006

Self Help

I work for the library system, and come into contact with huge steaming piles of books five days a week. You've got your Stephen King and that one female mystery author, and...lots of others that nobody should be reading. There's a smattering of books that actually look interesting, but one thing I've found is that there's a plethora of self-help books floating around the Library Cooperative. They're mostly about dieting and finance, but they're all far too thick, in my opinion, which is why I offer, free of charge, a wholistic Self Help Brochure right here on our Blog!

This is a self-help paper. An essay to help you get more from your life. All you have to do is read it, and things will improve. Guaranteed. Of course, you won’t get your money back, since you never paid anything for it in the first place. Unless you’re really stupid, in which case, this is the wrong self-help paper!

Quick Diagnosis Brochure

First things first. You have to find out what you have to start with. Look around yourself. Just where you are sitting. Is it cold in there? How’s the chair? Are you even in a chair? Maybe you could not afford one. Perhaps your family and good friends do not believe in chair use. They believe that if one puts his or her buttocks on a chair, that person will be doomed to suffer from buttrot throughout the remainder of their lives. Moreover, buttrot is one of those diseases apparently designed to ostracize its host, for someone afflicted with rot of the butt does not make for pleasant company. Maybe your family believes this.

Okay, now that you have a good handle on your surroundings, it is time to do something with them. Like spray paint them a color you enjoy. Red comes to mind as very enjoyable. With that out of the way, it is now time to analyze your psyche. What makes you tick, so to speak? It sure isn’t beef jerky. You hate beef jerky. I, on the other hand, love it. So I can’t be of help to you there. But maybe if we change the subject a little…

Let’s talk about your past. Remember when you were young? You were smaller then, and you could fit into small areas where a lot of crud collected. Remember the crud? Sure was fun to throw around, wasn’t it? Tasted kinda bad though. Your father always looked at you funny when you ate the crud. That’s because he knew before you did that the crud wasn’t very tasty or rich in nutrients. Actually, if it were rich in nutrients, your parents probably would have MADE you eat it. Good thing they knew it wasn’t.

Now we’re getting somewhere! We’ve already established the fact that, colorwise, you like red, you hate beef jerky and that you liked to eat crud when you were small. And this is only the fourth paragraph! Give yourself a nice poke in the groin for being so good at this psychology stuff. And to think; you could have paid big money for a “professional” to tell you the exact same thing. And with this brochure, you’ve saved gas, too. This little bonus should cater well to your ecological awareness, and your desire to conserve fossil fuels.

Enough stalling! All this surface-scratching is eclipsing the true aim of this publication, which is to facilitate the proper allocation of time to personal reflection and decoding of your individual moral and sociological programming. Also, to use big, professional-sounding sentences like that one. So are you depressed? Do you have Chronic Antisocial Sub-Conscious Defecation Disorder (CASCDD)? To aid you in your search for what’s wrong with you, we suggest making a list of disorders and diseases that you think you may have, and then think about the list whenever you get the chance. If you never get the chance, then maybe you have ADD or are too busy. That can be a problem too—being too busy. If you’re too busy, we recommend not doing some things. Take a nap instead. Or eat something that isn’t beef jerky and look at something red.

Y'enjoy that, time-wasters? Hope so! I wrote this quite a while ago, and I even pushed it to two pages, but then something happened to my computer or something, and I lost it. Perhaps I'll add more later!


Jack W. Regan said...

Whew! I feel so free, now, so fulfilled! Thanks, FooDaddy! Now if I can just recover from the violent outbursts of laughter this post caused, I'll be fine. Nurse!

Jack W. Regan said...

Mmmmmmmmmmm! Crud!

Anonymous said...

I do hate beef jerky!!

Thanks for the laughs FooDaddy!!!

mmmm, Crud! I remember cruddy days of long ago..........

h from kl