Critiquing the English Language

Dear Readers:

When asked to write this piece, I thought of an essay which I wrote some time ago in an attempt to open the world’s eyes to the rise of illiteracy in the world. Unfortunately, I could find no buyers for it, so I thought I would just put it into my column instead. I shall begin with the ancient pre-correspondence:

“Hello. How are you? I am fine.”

I do not know why the ancient people of early civilizations always insisted upon writing in this fashion. It could, however, have had something to do with the fact that they were attempting to cover up their true feelings, which were that they did not care a fig for how the other party was fairing and were only trying to keep the authorities from arresting them for libel, or some such stupid thing.

Just lately, archaeologists have discovered an ancient piece of writing, scribbled upon a snake bladder, that read the following:

Dear Eve:
Hello. How are you? I am fine. Will be home soon, please wire me $500.
Sincerely, Adam

With this evidence in hand, it is impossible to assume anything but that this simple greeting has become nothing more than a habitual cliché, a habit that has gripped millions the world over. It is not even inhibited by the curse of illiteracy. When people talk, what do they say? I needn’t tell the reader. In underdeveloped countries, teachers impressing the world of knowledge on anxious pupils teach them that word first, “Hello.”

This is a depressing subject and one which, after referring once again to the above correspondence between said man and wife, leads to the subject of greed. Yes, GREED!

All upstanding people shudder and become violently ill at the mere mention of that baleful word. The very idea that Adam would tear off on vacation, leaving his poor wife to take care of the kids and then have the nerve to wire for more money! Five hundred bucks, no less! The writer is, at this very moment, searching desperately for a respite from this vile topic.

And yet, someone must be the bastion of truth and I suppose that I am just as capable as the next guy. (The next guy being Jack the Ripper, of course.) Ah, well. More exposing articles to come. Please have patience. Not too much of a good thing is to be desired.