Instant Message from FooDaddy

Many of you out there in Internet Land have at least heard of the IM, or Instant Messenger, as it is one of the most popular ways of wasting time in the modern era. That's right, time-wasters! If you haven't heard of this wonderful technology, you need to get on the train of progress, sit down in the lushly padded boxcar of technology and try not to notice that you're in a boxcar with no Wi-Fi access, trying to type to people you could easily call on the phone.

Okay, so if you're a normal person, you don't live in a boxcar, and chances are good you've got Wi-Fi. Quit distracting me, time-wasters! I'm trying to make a sort of point and then pad it with filler to make an entire post out of an idea I came up with in the shower.

I do a lot of thinking in the shower.

While that soaks in, I'm going to leave you with a list of "Away Messages" you're all free to plagiarize and use with your Instant Messenger program of choice. These are automatic responses that the program sends to people who contact you when you're not around, and remembered to set your status accordingly. If used properly, many of you will have a lot more free time on your hands.

• I'm gone. Wandered off. I don't know when I'll come back, but I'd better not find YOU here when I do.
• Due to a national emergency situation, the Cabinet and I have squirrelled ourselves away in the pantry with all the doughnuts we could grab. In fact, I've put some of the doughnuts in the Cabinet, where they will be safe from mice. I've lost the key to its door, and now I'm going to bed. Drink more coffee!
• Yeah? And how much do I owe YOU?
• I'm currently busy raising an army of shrews to help me bring my sneaky little plans to fruition. If you're on my Crap List, you're going to want to look into getting yourself a new pair of ankles, buddy! Bwa ha ha!
• Ignore the sirens. It was someone else.
• I'm actually here, but so engrossed in some important activity, such as battling with my computer for cooperation, that the keyboard fire has prevented me from answering your Instant Message in person. Please stand by.
• Why, hello there! Remember that I love you, and that I'm counting the seconds 'til I can IM you back! Wait. Is this Ed? Ed, you wank! You still owe me for that washer fluid I bought you! Ed? Ed! I'll get you! Where are my shrews?!
• I'm not at my computer. I'm at someone else's. IM me there!
• Get out of that boxcar and just call me up, huh?

I hope you can put those messages to use, time-wasters! I promise I'll have a real post coming up soon. A story!