Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Internet Killer

Here is another entry from my long-defunct Road to Doom collection of bedtime stories for the kiddies. I'm using these old stories as a kind of buffer against being left behind in the posting department. I mean, coming up with original material takes time, time-wasters! It does! And time is something I don't happen to have a lot of today.

I've got to take my car back to the shop and have them try to figure out why they decided to replace my struts with toilet paper tubes full of gravel. Every single bump in the road is transmitted directly to my butt with tremendous force, and it's starting to effect my mood. After a jouncy, bangy ride to work, I get out of the car all hunched over and grumbling, which won't be my natural state until I'm nice and old.

So, without further complaint, here's the story!

It was a dark and quiet night... Jimmy had been online for about three hours straight, and he was feeling pretty lucky. This was back in the days of dialup, you see, and nobody was happy with it. The server ritually disconnected his Internet connection every hour, and Jimmy just figured it was a measure to keep little schmucks like him from falling asleep and leaving the computer connected. But it wasn’t.

He was being disconnected because the e-Boogie Man was trying to get into his modem, and the anti-virus program was keeping him at bay. Unfortunately, in an attempt to squeeze a bit more speed out of his crippled computer, Jimmy had disabled the program by keeping it from loading up. And it was too late. The e-Boogie Man had sneaked into his modem, and was lurking in the mouse pointer, snortling quietly to hisself.

“Gee! I sure am having good luck staying connected!” remarked Jimmy. He moved the pointer over to the icon that would launch an MP3 player, and clicked the left mouse button. Nothing happened. “Crap!” said Jimmy. He clicked the button approximately 5,000 more times, and still nothing. He picked the mouse up and removed the ball from the bottom. Suddenly, the e-Boogie Man jumped out of the hole.

“You been online too long, Jimmy! It be mah imperative to eat yo’ sorry self, and make sure you don’t go perpetrating no more o’ dem Instant Messenger conversations!”

“Holy snarf!” cried Jimmy.

“You gots any mustard, man?” asked the e-Boogie Man.

Moral: Never take apart the mouse.

Of course, nowadays you kids have your fancy light-up mice with the blinkies on the bottom and them scrolly wheels on the top. Can't take them apart without tools, and the e-Boogie man hates tools. So, time-wasting parents, tell this story to your little childrens as you're putting them to bed, and they'll learn an awful lot about life, love, and how to swear without swearing. Holy smack!


Jack W. Regan said...

Tell those people at the car place that you are a crime-fighting hero and need a smooth, dependable ride! Or you'll stop protecting their place...

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

I tried to tell them that I was a crimebusting bad-arse, but I got my cape stuck in the door, and I fell down. I think that kinda destroyed any credibility I may have had, and they told me to go home.

Oh well. Live and learn.

Jack W. Regan said...

Ever notice how PW seemed to have a swearing fetish in these early comments of his? Almost as if he was trying to corrupt us...if he had only known.