Thursday, September 19, 2019

The Bachelor Party

"I'm leaving now!"

I peered around the edge of the door frame, listening intently for the inevitable cry of dismay from Spouse. Yet, minutes passed without a sound emanating from the inner sanctum of my humble abode.

"I said, 'I'm leaving now'!"

No response. Silly Spouse. She must be listening to her heavy metal country ragtime tunes again. I entered the house and crept down the hallway, pausing outside of the bedroom door to chortle at the hilarious and clever trick I was about to play.

Demonstrating lightning speed and cat-like reflexes, I bounded into the room.

"Rawr!" I said.

Spouse looked up, her abject terror obvious from the way she slowly turned a page in the book she was reading.

"Rawr yourself," she said.

"Didn't you hear me earlier? I said that I was leaving."

"I heard you," she replied, turning another page. I was impressed at how well she was concealing her utter despair at my impending absence.

"Okay. Well ... I guess I'll see you later."


I backed slowly out of the room as Spouse turned another page. I knew her calm demeanor was but an act--there was no way anyone could read that fast.

As I backed out of the driveway, pausing only long enough to honk at a careless child who thoughtlessly ran behind the car, I shed a tear as I thought about the bravery Spouse had demonstrated. Such a strong creature, she was.

I pulled onto the main road, having stopped once to complete my ritual of standing in the middle of the road and striking it smartly with a stick. Having successfully hit the road, I gunned the engine and merged onto the interstate, feeling self-satisfied with my plan to travel between states.

I pulled out my cellphone and dialed FooDaddy's number. It was entirely illegal to talk on one's phone while driving, but I was feeling quite the rebel. My spirits were high and once my spirits became high, not even law enforcement could dull the euphoria.


"Helloooooo!" I said, in answer to FooDaddy's enthusiastic greeting. "I simply wished to inform you that I have begun my pilgrimage to yon state of mittens!"

"Who is this."

"It is I! Baron von Swiningberg, Count of Bacon and prince of all hams!"


"I am coming to ensure you have a swiney time at your bachelor party!"

"Oh. Is that tonight?"

I feigned a hearty laugh, although I didn't find FooDaddy's quip all that amusing. "Indeed it is, my good fellow. I shall be there within the day."

"This day?"


There was a pause, and I thought I heard FooDaddy speak to someone. It sounded something like, "That fat spine is combing over hair."

"Enough with your nonsense talk," I chortled. "See you in two shakes of a pig's poothole!"

I hung up before FooDaddy could respond, in order to save him the embarrassment of being unable to top my clever remark. That's just the kind of friend I strive to be: thoughtful.

*     *     *

I pulled up in front of FooDaddy's house and masterfully parked my car on top of his prize-winning flower beds. He would no doubt pretend to be outraged, and I would act sorrowful and penitent. It was a little routine we performed every time I visited. Personally, I had grown weary of the charade, but I knew FooDaddy enjoyed it, and I didn't want to let him down.

I skipped merrily up to the front door and rang the doorbell by thrusting at it with my hips.

"Howdy howdy heydy hey!" I shrieked. "Open zees door or I shall be forzed to open eet wiz my peeniz!" I rubbed my hands together in glee; I'd been saving that line all trip long.

No answer. Strange! My accent must have been so convincing that they couldn't tell it was me. I began circling the house, banging on all the windows. It was entirely possible that they were engaged in some sort of activity that rendered their hearing completely ineffective.

After three hours of this orbiting, I began to consider giving up, but I knew how much FooDaddy and Fiancée were looking forward to my visit, and I just couldn't let them down. Besides, I wanted to wash this glee off my hands.

"Just two more hours," I gasped, beginning to feel a touch winded.

A mere thirty seconds before the time expired, the front door opened and FooDaddy stood there, a disgruntled expression concealing his delight at seeing me standing on his porch.

"It's you," he said.

"Good thing you answered the door," I said. "I was about to leave."

FooDaddy sagged against the side of the door frame for support. He was probably feeling faint from hunger, as I knew he probably hadn't been able to eat all day due to anticipating my arrival.

"So if we'd just waited a little longer--?"

"That's right! You would have missed out on my visit! Close call, huh? It was either leave or use my car and a chain to yank off the side of your house to make sure you were all right in there. But it's good you answered. I know how much you hate it when I exert myself. Speaking of which," I said, wiping away the sweat pouring into my eyes, "did you know your house is way bigger on the outside than on the inside? I've been running for hours but kept passing this same door!"

"Oh, I ... what? I mean, how ... dedicated of you." FooDaddy sighed and then stood up from the doorframe, straightening his shoulders with a massive sigh as if shouldering the weight of the world. "Well, I suppose you might as well come in."

"I should say so," I said. "It should be about time for everyone to arrive for the bachelor party."

FooDaddy checked the time on his FooPhone. "Yeah, in a little. You look exhausted, though. Probably plenty of time for a nap first."

I grinned broadly. That was the FooDaddy I knew. Always thinking of his friends.

"You really think I have time? I do feel a little tired."

"Of course! Why don't you just take a rest in the guest room?"

"Well, okay. If you're sure."

"Oh, I'm sure."

I went into the guest room and lay down on the bed, feeling my tortured muscles begin to relax. As I drifted off to sleep, I thought I heard the click of the door lock. I smiled. It was nice of FooDaddy and Fiancée to make sure I wouldn't be disturbed.

I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the good times we'd all have when I awoke. After all, the party couldn't possibly begin without me, could it?

"Wreeeee," I murmured. "Wreeeezzzzzzzzzz ... "