My Survey

Have you ever gotten one of those little online surveys from a friend of yours with too much time on their hands? Usually they're not little at all. Like, 70 questions. But they're usually on the lame side. If you fill them out creatively, like I do, it ends up taking up a good sized chunk of your computer time, so as it turns out, you've got more time on your own hands than you think.

Anyway. I wrote my own! If you'd like, dear time-waster, copy the whole thing into an email, respond to the questions, and send it to icollide@hotmail.com! I'd be happy to read your stuff. Or you can always use the "Comments" button. Or just read the thing. I'm not picky.

A.} WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE...

1. Car?

2. Scented candle?

3. Day of the month?

4. Bedspread pattern?

5. Annoying thing to do to your brothers/sisters while they’re sleeping?

6. Toothbrush style?

7. Toothbrush flavor?

8. Topsoil consistency?

9. Soda beverage? (Hint: Cherry Coke)

10. Method of extracting the magical juices from wombats?

11. Underwear band elasticity?

12. Brand of duct tape?

B.} WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU...

1. Took a nice long poo?

2. Had a pleasant talk with the little man who lives in your spare tire?

3. Took out your aggression on a cute little bunny rabbit?

4. Fell down the stairs?

5. Fell down the stairs and knocked over your mom?

6. Fell down the stairs and knocked over MY mom?

7. Tried to smuggle a fully assembled bicycle out of Meijer under your shirt?

8. Had a full out rumble in a department store with big foam noodles and two of your friends?

9. Thought about how nice it must be to live out in the forest, with no distractions, and all that nice moss to eat?

10. Drove two hundred miles to find something, but forgot what you were looking for when you got there?

11. Had a good swearing fit?

12. Experienced the elation of having one of your prize farts make someone really lose it?

C.} WOULD YOU EVER...

1. Fall down the stairs and knock over my mom if you were promised your favorite toothbrush flavor?

2. Have marital relations if all the cats were watching?

3. Kiss someone in the dark? Assuming you weren’t 100% sure that it was your boyfriend/girlfriend? Or even a member of the opposite gender.

4. Eat a stale donut for a dime?

5. How ‘bout a dollar?

6. Eat a stale DOLLAR for a dime? Pretend you’re real dumb, and have no economic sense.

7. Admit loudly in a crowded subway train that you crapped your pants out of fear of dying in a massive electrical fire?

8. Admit the above quietly?

9. Jab a random stranger in the buttocks to get ahead in the workplace?

10. Set fire to something important to you out of sheer boredom?

11. What if you weren’t bored?

12. Would that make you crazy?

13. Spend four hours listening to N’Sync if it was proven to make you smarter?

14. Have a crush on someone totally rotten? And ugly?

D.} WHICH DO YOU PREFER..?

1. Ditch water or sterling silver?

2. Cherry Coke or Cherry Coke?

3. A broken computer or a carton of dead moths?

4. Urinals or large deciduous trees?

5. Mike Tyson or Bob Dole?

6. A loud, yelling harmless person or an evil quiet one?

7. The Internet or a telephone without the receiver?

8. A really fast, sleek-looking sports car with no room inside and a crappy stereo, or a massive car that gets nine gallons to the mile, has an interior you could play kickball in, and a stereo that is capable of blowing the doors off—of cars NEXT to it?

9. The bus or the subway? Assume they both have evil, smelly loud persons on them.

10. A fulfilling life, or a fast, furious fun one?

11. Running around in circles or running around in vaguely square-shaped patterns?

12. Pooing in public restrooms or in a new friend’s house?

13. Teasing the monkeys or the dingoes?

E.} OTHER RANDOM QUESTIONS...

1. Gee, what would you do if you were made heir to a big scented candle fortune? How would you spend your money?

2. You’ve just clogged the toilet at your girlfriend/boyfriend’s house with a giant poo. Do you try to blame it on the dog, or do you quietly build a big, lighted sign and advertise it as a miracle? Would you charge admission?

3. You’re at Bob Evan’s and the waitress compliments you on your pants. You...

1. Tell her you’re flattered, and that you made them yourself?
2. Give her the finger?
3. Act hurt and confused, and ask if you’re really wearing pants?
4. Make up a list of their fantastic properties, such as 99.9% fart filtration, immunity to butt cancer, and resistance to artillery impact?
5. Say “Blast! You’ve discovered my secret Bat Pants! For blowing Batman’s cover, you must now die!” and menace her with a drinking straw?

4. Do you like the Ford Taurus? Don’t you think it’s a great car? Do you believe that all your friends would like you better if you went out and bought one? You should.

5. How about tomatoes? Do you like THEM? Don’t you think they taste like old ditch water? When you bite into one, doesn’t it feel like you’re eating a giant nightcrawler? Do you wonder how I would be able to back up these comparisons? You should.

6. You just saw (something gross). You...

1. Barf and fall down.
2. Make a joke about how it looks like someone ugly you know, even if nobody is around, or the people who ARE around would have no idea who you’re talking about.
3. Call all of your friends over, and see if any of them will eat it for a dollar. (This one is really funny if the gross thing is the ugly person viewed naked.)
4. Laugh at it until it goes away.
5. Say “oogitty boogitty boo!” at it until it goes away.

7. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a potato?

8. What would you give to be able to fly?

9. Have you ever wished so hard for something that you hurt yourself?

10. Once upon a time, you filled out a survey. Was it this one? Have I changed your life through it in any way? Really? Crap.

11. You’re at your girlfriend/boyfriend’s house. He/she mentions how nice your parents look together. You...

1. Laugh pleasantly and resume making out, ignoring your parents.
2. Slap him/her with a TI-83 manual and tell him/her to concentrate on the making out.
3. Tell him/her that he/she should go fetch you a fruity beverage. Laugh or cry, depending on mood.
4. Remind him/her that those aren’t your parents, and then chase the strangers out of your house. Make out some more.
5. Run off to the next room and whimper to yourself.

12. Pretend you believe in reincarnation (assuming you do not already). You’re walking to the outhouse when an Arby’s restaurant falls on you. You promptly die. Who would you want to come back as? No, wait. Pretend you can’t come back as a person. Only as an animal or object. What would you want to be? And if you don’t give reasons why, you’re cheating.

13. Do you believe that there really is magic in Jell-O?

14. I like Mr. T. I think he’s real swell. Don’t you?

Say, what if you were able to be reincarnated as a magic tub of Jell-O ® and you had spent your whole life trying to learn how to fly, but had only come up with a really great toothbrush flavor, and then Mr. T. dropped an Arby’s on you. Would you be willing to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a potato if you were to be rewarded with a scented candle? You should.