Potty Monkey

First off, I have to say that all of what you are about to read is true. I will let you know when I begin to make things up again. Onward.

In an earlier post, I mentioned my job. It involves sorting books for the library system. On the company's website, I am listed as a mere "sorter," but in order to jazz it up a little, I'm lobbying for "Mulitmedia Materials Relocation and Organization Specialist," or something to that effect. Because it ain't just books I sort, time-wasters. There are DVDs, CDs, VHS tapes, audio tapes, those big plastic bags with a children's book and a cassette tape in them, the occasional stray puzzle piece, individually wrapped brownies from one of the stranger libraries... Lots.

So what should happen to catch my eye? A children's book. A cardboard children's book that I happened to first notice the back cover of. I frowned. This couldn't be... I flipped the book over to check the front. It was a book about potty training, sure enough, and I'm not going to repeat the title here for fear of lawsuit. The back, however, was comprised of a checklist that looked like this:

Potty Monkey Says!
---now I'm making things up---

• Always remember to wash your hands before setting your fires, you arsonist
• Don't forget! Pine sap tastes horrible, even though it smells okay
• Stealing is for winners!
• Gunmen are always more afraid of you than you are of them
• Laughter can cure constipation!
• Potty Monkey would be a good name for a bathroom cleaner

Yes. Potty Monkey. I lie not. The book starred a lovable little monkey who was learning to potty by hisself, and the back was his checklist, to be posted on the fridge. Held in place, no doubt, by a little toilet-shaped magnet. Awwww.

You have to wonder how many of these children's books are actually pranks set in motion by unscrupulous adults.

"Hey, Marcus! Check this out. Potty Monkey Says! Yeah, I know! Potty Monkey! Betcha Debra won't even notice this, and this thing'll go to print! What? Yeah. Bet you twenty bucks, man. You're on!"

And he won his twenty bucks.

So, time-wasters, I leave you again, this time to go fetch my can of Potty Monkey and give the bathroom the going over it so badly needs. Leaves only the fresh scent of twigs!