Friday, April 14, 2006

Cages

We’ve been having a vermin problem at our apartment and lately, it’s gotten so bad that we have taken the drastic step of setting out traps loaded with goodies known to be irresistible to vermin. Unfortunately, it turns out that mailmen are a lot sneakier than you might think and, so far, our efforts have netted us no results. Ha! No, seriously, I was actually talking about mice, not mailmen. But it does bring up an interesting point. If you were going to set traps for people (and we’re assuming mailmen, excuse me, mailpersons, are human), then what would you use to lure them into the trap? Here are some of my own ideas:

  1. Redneck: A large cage disguised as a pick-up bed and loaded with Budweiser, pork rinds, and a large, inflatable device depicting Jessica Simpson and Gretchen Wilson wrestling.
  2. Religious Fanatic: A cage disguised as a pulpit and filled with boxes of religious tracts foretelling the imminent destruction of the world, a scale model of Armageddon complete with action figures (collect all 3 million), and a large, inflatable device depicting Jessica Simpson and Gretchen Wilson wrestling.
  3. Masochist: A small, harmless trap disguised as an instrument of extreme torture.
  4. Idiot: An undisguised cage filled with large, inflatable devices, which may or may not be wrestling. He won’t notice anyway, he just likes large, inflatable devices.
  5. The Roaming Gnome: Don’t waste time being sneaky, just grab the little jerk and toss him in!

1 comment:

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

The Roaming Gnome.

It's a country-western band. A really horrible one, and the 8-track of their dee-butt album is constantly in the Redneck's truck.