Friday, April 14, 2006

I Wish I Had Stealthy Powers...

Y'know, time-wasters, I wish sometimes that I posessed Stealthy Powers. Reading over my last post (and snorting helpless laughter at the ones that came after it) I realized that being a human being is, in its own right, pretty cool.

But...

But if I had my way, I'd have more powers. Stealthy Powers. Take the problem of never having enough graham crackers to eat. If I had Stealthy Powers, I could turn into a squirrel. How would that help, you ask? Well, to be totally and brutally honest, it wouldn't. I would just like to be able to turn into a squirrel. You see them all the time, hanging smugly from the bark of a tree, upside down. It's like they're just mocking you because they can do it, and you can't. If I had Stealthy Powers, I too could be all smug and hangy. I'd also be given all the stale graham crackers I could stomach if I happened upon the right senior citizen.

When I become an old man, I plan to feed the squirrels as often as possible. Perhaps I will even, over time, gather an army of them, and together we will scurry on town hall. MARCH. We will march on town hall. And hang there.

I'm sorry for wandering. I would use my Stealthy Powers for only good. I would be able to shoot a variety of soft drinks from my fingertips, which would make me perfect for parties. Also, it would come in handy for self-defense, for what potential mugger would be able to keep his cool if he'd just been squirted in the eyes with fingertip Mountain Dew? He'd be stunned for at least a couple seconds---just long enough for me to scurry up the nearest tree and hang there. Smugly.

I would also be able to talk to penguins. No real reason for this, but you have to admit, it's pretty Stealthy.

Now, I must go. There's crime to fight, time-wasters. If you're a criminal, you'd better keep an eye on the trees, and beware. Be very ware.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i wish i was hangy

The Stupid Blogger said...

I could read your stuff all day long, dude!

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

That's why we's buddies!