I'd like to take this opportunity, as FooDaddy, to welcome Jacob to the Blog! And to thank Lauren for actually taking the time to fill out my moronic survey. I'd wink at you, but that's lame, and I'm a busy weirdo. So, to celebrate my lazin---my hard work lately, I will be recycling something I wrote awhile back.
It was at a 2002 Superbowl party, and I was uninterested as usual when it comes to sports. In fact, I'm not even 100% sure if Superbowl isn't supposed to be "Super Bowl" or "SuperBowl" or "ZoopaBauel".
So there I was, sitting on the floor of these strangers' house, staring at their basement carpet. It was beige, with little troughs and canyons in it. Medium pile. Thick padded. I was bored. I grabbed a handy notepad and pen, and just started writing. This is a tribute to my buddy Kevin, who is a hilarious man with an unstoppable and unscrupulous sense of humor.
“Oh my,” said Devin. “I appear to be out of Nippy Cheese!” He shuffled to the foyer and stepped into his really cheap comfy shoes.
“These is so comfy!” he beamed. “And cheap!” He tripped on his way out to his Mercedes Taurus.
“Good lord! I shore does like that Nippy Cheese.”
Pulling out of the driveway, he honked his horn at Netta, the elderly neighbor woman. She clutched her chest and fell to the sidewalk.
“What a nice woman!” thought Devin as he stole her walker and threw it into his trunk. “To D and W!” he roared into his megaphone.
After a bracing drive though the forest, Devin drove into the parking lot backwards and, locating a snow bank, promptly parked under it. “Whee!” he said, tunneling out. “I must gain access to the foodstuffs retailer post haste!”
He went in through the door and silently thanked his remarkable intellect.
“Now to find a cart!” screeched Devin. He spied a whole row of them sitting unattended near the door he had entered. He eyed them balefully, and grabbed one from out in front of an elderly man.
“Hey! Why, what?” spluttered the old man.
“I loooove you!” hooted Devin, and sprinted toward the snack section. He scratched his butt enthusiastically.