I don't know where I got this, so I can't give credit. If my conscience would let me, I would simply say that I wrote them myself. Actually, my conscience would let me, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get away with it.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone and stay away.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
11. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
12. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
13. Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
14. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
16. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.