Sunday, May 21, 2006

The ISP Crisis

With all the talk going around about the new press secretary at the White House and then with Pickle Weasel's post about the Intercontinental Stupid Pipeline, it got me to thinking about how a press conference concerning the ISP would go. We take you now to the Press Room at the White House, where the Press Secretary is meeting with the news media about the ISP crisis.

Press Secretary: “Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thank you for joining us today. I will do my best to answer all your asinine questions in a suitably condescending manner.
First of all, let me say a few words about the rumors that have been swirling on the Blog of Stupid for the past, oh, hour or so. Heh. I assure you that reports of there being an Intercontinental Stupid Pipeline (ISP) are completely and without question…absolutely true. The President realizes that many might feel that he needed congressional approval in order to allow a project of such scale to continue. And, yes, I said 'continue.' You see, my fine flatulent, foolscap-flailing friends, the ISP was not this administration’s doing. Did we know that it exists? The answer is 'yes.' However, we did not feel it was necessary to risk panicking the public with the news. Now I would be happy to answer your *ahem* questions. We’ll start with you, madam.”

Susan Blatherskype: “Thank you. Susan Blatherskype from the New York Slimes. How long has the ISP been in operation?”

PS: “Well, Ms. Bandersnatch…”

SB: “Blatherskype!”

PS: “Ahem, yes. Sadly, our experts were unable to track down the exact age of the ISP, but it has been around for at least as long as human history has been recorded. Looking back over time, it is now possible to see countless incidents of irresponsible ISP usage. Debtor’s prison, the Salem Witch Trials, Sonny Bono, and the invention of the cell phone have all been found to have their roots in the ISP.”

SB: “Is it dangerous?”

PS: “Sonny Bono?”

SB: “No, the ISP.”

PS: “Ah, well, if it is used irresponsibly, things could, and do, get a bit knotty. Next?”

Anton Slither: “Yes, Anton Slither from the Detroit Freak Press. I would like to know what the administration intends to do about this menace that is threatening to wipe out civilization as we know it.”

PS: “Well, I really don’t think it’s that dire, Mr. Slither. There are many fine uses for the ISP and we’d be lost without it. For instance, you’d be out of a job. Congress would doubtless be disbanded and the wombat would immediately become extinct. But to answer the question, yes, we have taken measures to keep the ISP in check.

We have discovered, through our extensive research, that the ISP only becomes truly dangerous when there is an over abundance of stupidity present in the pipeline. The solution is, of course, to make sure that enough stupidity is used to keep the levels down. To that end, we have engaged a group of stupidity experts at the Blog of Stupid, who will be responsible for keeping the ISP at a safe and useful level.

Is this to say that there will never be disasters or problems? Nay! Terrorists and other lawless types are always tapping into the ISP and making off with large quantities of unprocessed stupidity and there are occasional incidents when a leak occurs in the pipeline and raw stupidity runs out and floods an area. We are always vigilant and have made great progress in this area. The fine folks at the Blog of Stupid have done an excellent job of taking raw stupidity and turning it into something, if not useful, at least harmless and entertaining. We owe them a great debt of gratitude. No more questions, please.”


Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Great work on that photo! It's so believable! I mean, at first I thought that you were actually REALLY wearing a tie!


Seriously, though, it's good manipulation.

Donnie Massengill said...

That was great! Nice fast thinking! I think your book should be a comic book!

Jack W. Regan said...

Well, hello young Nathan. Do not listen to your father whenever he mentions me. It is probably a dirty lie. Or should be.