Saturday, May 20, 2006

Dealing with Dopes

Dealing with dopes can sometimes be a trying experience for those of us who retain membership in society's upper echelon of intelligence.


Quit rolling your eyes, or I'll come over to your house and smear mayonnaise all over your pillow.

As I was saying, intelligent dopes are sometimes challenged with echelons. As an intelligent dope, I can relate directly to the problem my fellow Blogger described recently. The Persistent Wrong Number Callers, as we members of the Membership call them, live among us, eat at restaurant tables near us, toss peppermint candies into the same swimming pools we do. It may surprise you, therefore, to know that I was once one of these lost souls myself.

I wasn't particularly LOST, per se, but I was persistent, and I was being a dope. There existed a phone number that was exactly the same as my home phone at the time, except where ours had a 5, I swapped in a 9. I called this number religiously, and always asked for Bob.


"Yeah, is Bob there?"

"There is no--hey, are you the one that called yesterday?"

"Certainly! Is Bob around?"

"Look, kid, there's no Bob here. There never was, and there never will be!"

"Pfft. Bob said you'd say that. Seriously, have him call me back, wouldya?"

"Stop calling this---"

"No, really. I need to get ahold of him. We were gonna have this party in the Mal-Wart parking lot, and Bob was supposed to bring the fruit punch. He never--"


Then I'd wait a couple days, and try again. I KNOW they were hiding Bob there, in their basement, and I'd be darned if I was going to let petty facts deter me.

What I shall now do is offer you time-wasters a List. In the spirit of helpfulness that permeates this Blog like mayonnaise on a satin pillowcase, I will offer you some assistance in dealing with phone dopes like me.

The most common phone dope is, of course, the telemarketer. These people don't WANT to be dopes, I'm sure, but are required to by their superiors. This unfortunately does not make them any less bothersome. Here's what you can do:

  • Make muffled snorting noises and say things like "what?" and "but that'd taste horrible!" and "I wanna talk to my other doctor!" Punctuate each of these outbursts with audible shuffling and cane thumping, if you're equipped with one.
  • Keep asking them if it comes in red. It doesn't matter what they're selling, although it is particularly effective if they're selling insurance.
  • Act extremely interested. Ask pointed questions about the item's construction, or the service offered. Let them get all the way to the end of their pitch before telling them that you don't have any money, and you're talking to them on a cell phone you found in the parking lot you live in. Tell them the cell phone is pink with little purple unicorns on it.
  • Belch a lot.

Our perennial favorite here at The Blog of Stupid is the Wrong Number Caller. These people generally take it in stride and offer embarassed apologies, and you're off the phone with them in seconds. But sometimes...

"Hi! Is Rodney there?"
"No, this is FooDaddy."
"Really? Are you sure? This is his number."
"No, it's not. If it were, he'd exist here."
"Is this 555-5356?"
"No. This is 555-5346"
"Five six?"
"Four six."
"Will Rodney be back tomorrow?"

And so on and so on. They're convinced you're jacking with them, and Rodney's really there, standing behind you and trying to laugh quietly. They KNOW you and Rodney are exchanging high-fives to celebrate your nasty little deception. Or they could just be phone dopes jacking with YOU. What is needed in either case is a swift and unexpected response to stun them into silence long enough for you to hang up on them without feeling too guilty.

  • "Yeah, he's right here, but he's busy feeding ketchup to his army of shrews. Can I take a message?"
  • "This is unacceptable, soldier! Operation Nice 'n' Squishy will fail if this insubordination continues! You secure that umbrella on the double! DisMISSED!" *click*
  • "Oh, you wish to talk to my cats? Is that it? Well that's kinda weird, but here ya go." Make mewing noises into the receiver before switching it off.
  • "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Francine, but Rodney told me to let you know that he's decided to hate you, starting today. He doesn't never wanna talk to you no more." It doesn't matter what names you use.
  • In a slow drawl: "Yeeeahhh, I like ducks too. Tellya whut, I gotta slurp on up to the co-op 'n git me some sugar beets, but we can tawk 'bout ducks when I comes back. I'll caw y'later."
  • "Wurp? Grumble bum diddle boo? Frackrap quarg vorpee in the whumpstrap! I oughta nurlarg yakburp up the urbble!"

I hope this helps some of you out, time-wasters. I almost wish I could get a phone dope on the line so I could try some of these out. Yes, they're untested methods, and I advise you to use all the care and caution in putting them to use that I did when writing them.


Jack W. Regan said...

How Not To Read This Post

1. While eating the new Texas Double Whopper from Kurger Bing.

2. While talking on the phone with a grieving widow.

3. In the library.

4. While driving. (Not sure how you'd do that, but don't try it.)

The problem with posts like this is that they stay with you, but lurk in the background. Then they leap out at the worst moments.

You'll be sitting at the table with some new acquaintances and the conversation will lag. During the uncomfortable silence, you suddenly remember this post and blare out an extremely loud and unbecoming horse laugh. Don't say I didn't warn you...

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the "crazy preacher" gambit, wherein you inhale loudly and tell the unwanted caller that "frogs of darkness-ah!" will "fill up the basement-ah of your soul!", or words to that effect.

Or you could sing it in a strangled Rob Zombie kind of voice. Your choice.

web_loafer said...

Whew, sick twisted freak, and hilarious. Gonna check back here again....
Hopefully your url is really your url, and not the url of some Sheltered Workshop in Des Moines. I am going to bookmark it, and next time I need a good that a word?...It kinda looks like one, but I'm not too sure.
One thing I'm sure of, this is a good place to waste time......

Funny, they call me webloafer.

Jude said...

You have a great blog! Thanks for admiring my paintings!

All the best,

Anonymous said...

I was downright guffawgled!

Muppers said...

Oh, I just love to talk to salespeople, especially if I’m at work. This is an actual conversation I once had with a salesman while I was at work (as I recall it):

Phone: Ring
Me: Public library
Salesman: Oh, this is a library?
Me: Yes.
SM: This is a public library?
Me: Yes, this is a public library.
SM: Oh, well, you probably don’t need any siding then do you?
Me: No, this is a brick building, and it is in pretty good shape.
SM: Well, do you need new windows there?
Me: No, we are satisfied with the windows we have now, thank you.
SM: So this is a library?
Me: Indeed it is.
SM: Well, how about you? Do you personally need to make any improvements?
Me: Oh my yes, but we really don’t have time to talk about all the personal improvements I need to make!

Well, this seemed to do the trick and I didn’t even have to hang up on him--he was more than willing to hang up on me!