Devotional of Doom

I wrote this a long time ago, and it's actually been transplanted twice. First, it was an assignment, and then it ended up in my Road to Doom collection (see THIS post and THIS one too) and now it's here! Here's the backstory!

From 3rd grade to 12th, I attended a Christian school called Potter's House. In a rare display of seriousness here, for which I apologize, I want to say that Potter's House and its cadre of skilled educationists, is responsible not only for my formative education, but also for a good deal of my religion.

With that in mind, this borderline sacrilegious piece was an, um...warmup of sorts for an assignment where we were told to write a devotional. My teachers never saw this, and unless they stumble upon this Blog, they never will. Heh.

Devotional of Doom

There was once a boy who was addicted to mustard. His friends all thought he needed some help with his bad habit, but Richard denied this, and went off to do some mustard. His friends decided to go pray for him.

“Dear God,” they said. “Our friend Richard needs help. He has fallen away from you, and we want you to draw him to yourself in a big way.”

All of a sudden, Richard barged into the room where his friends had gathered, and collapsed on the floor.

“Oh my gosh, you guys! I just found the greatest thing! See, it’s like there was this big hole in my life, and I finally found something to fill it!”

“What is it man?” his friends asked.

Richard drew himself up to his full height and put his right hand over his heart. He took a deep breath and said:

“French’s. Guys, it’s the most amazing mustard there is out there! Dang, I thought I was gonna explode!”

And then he did. God got him for his sins. He was being punished for not listening to the prayers and concerns of his friends. You see, Richard is like all of us. We tend to look at the mustard in life, and ignore the good and wholesome things like kittens, cake and hugs. So don’t be like Richard. Find the Richard in yourself and kill him.

Moral: Don’t do drugs.

Now, if that doesn't clean up the druggies out there in time-waster land, I don't know what will! I gotta go now, though. There's some, um... hotdogs...I have to...eat. Yeah. Hotdogs.