I received some very disturbing news today. I was at work, just preparing to leave for the day, when FooDaddy came in for his shift. On time. Early, in fact. I was stunned, to say the least, but assumed this startling occurence was due to a faulty clock or some other innocuous explanation. It was not to be so.
"I've decided to become a productive member of society," FooDaddy announced, exhibiting an air of determination and mild grief.
"Well, then," I said, appalled, "this may be a good time to inform you that I can no longer be your friend."
He brightened. "Really? It would be that easy?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so. Your being productive would put me under a great deal of pressure."
I don't think he took my threat to de-friend him very seriously, though, because his mood was growing merrier by the moment. I tried to impress upon him the gravity of the situation by repeating my ultimatum.
"If you insist on becoming productive, we shall have to part ways. I have principles! A reputation!"
He responded by leaping into the air and clicking his heels together (not easy in sneakers), and then began working with an assiduousness that caused my already lethargic energy level to go AWOL. For those of you who lack a military background, AWOL stands for Absent Without Lemurs, a particularly serious offense on the battlefield where lemurs could make all the difference. (They're whizzes at operating heavy machinery.)
Since FooDaddy was obviously too interested in clowning around to understand the seriousness of the issue at hand, I decided his threat to become a productive human being must be only a witticism, meant to amuse and entertain. Ha! What a nut.