With Michigan’s political season upon us, the airwaves and print media have been filled with mud-slinging, accusations, and innuendo. I think it’s time to stop this. I think it’s time Michigan had a candidate for governor who will not kowtow to special interest groups and who will not use another candidate’s shortcomings as fodder for a political ad, such as the fact that Dick DeVos has an addiction to Bazooka Bubblegum and that Jennifer Granholm has a heretofore secret fantasy of being the second witch from the end in the Shakespeare play of the public’s choice.
But I will not use these disqualifying revelations in my campaign. I won’t harp on and on about them in an attempt to besmirch their character before the voters. No! I have had enough of the character assassination and name-calling, you swine! This is why I am now announcing my candidacy for governor. Let me outline my agenda for our great state that I will enact if elected.
- I will see to it that everyone who participates in my write-in campaign will receive a complimentary fruit bat, which will be paid for by regulated funds from my own pocket, assuming I can find a suitably sneaky way to get regulated funds into my pocket in the first place.
- I will eliminate all state taxes and replace them with a free-will offering. During the first week of every month, a team of 100,000 ushers, elected by the legislature, will go door to door with offering plates and collect money for the operation of schools, police and fire protection, and, of course, my exorbitant salary.
- I will push for legislation that will allow the immediate and arbitrary execution of anyone who owns a recording of Bette Midler singing, “The Wind Beneath My Wings.”
- I will push for the immediate sale of Detroit to Canada. The sooner we can ship these crackpots off to a foreign country the better.
- I will require the legislators to make all speeches in an Irish brogue and if they cannot, they will be required to sprint hither and thither.
- I will appoint a new state-wide holiday and will designate it Play With Sharp Objects Day.
- In order to retain their positions, all sitting judges will be required to pass a rigorous slalom course on unicycle, while wearing their robes.
- All elected officials will be required to have humiliating nicknames, which I will choose.
And so, friendly voters, if you agree with my initiatives, write-in Craig Hart for governor. Vote early, vote often, and just remember, if the aardvark drinks a martini, it may be time to change your socks.