Just My Luck!

Luck, as a concept, has been around since the Middle Ages. Back on Wednesday of 1653, a candlemaker and author of humorous publications targeted at unfortunate-looking children, named Darius the Pleasantly Scented, developed luck. He published his findings with quill and ink and was subsequently taken to court and there defeated by the village jerk, Ernald the Whiny. On his way up to the gallows, Darius was heard to remark that the lousy turn of events was "just his luck". This was written down by the village Blogger, The Guy Who Enjoys Cheese Products, earning its place in history and our modern day language.

This is, of course, complete and utter dill puckery. If I was a more enterprising type, I'd have looked up the word, done some research on its etymology, and perhaps given the world of mythology a quick glance-through. But that sounds like work, and by definition, work is not "fun," and thus gives me gas. So I made some stuff up.

I'm sure by now you've noticed the picture. "What's that?" you've asked yourself out loud for some reason. The others in the library have given you the stink-eye. We at the Blog of Stupid suggest that you keep your stupid questions safely in the realm of the subsonic.

To continue: That is a genuine Lucky Golden Poo. Follow the link, time-wasters, and be presented with the chance to purchase your own! Just think! Your very own, very special, Lucky Golden Poo! On a little rope! That oughta put those lousy librarians in their place, once they see what you've got swinging from your beltloop, or around your neck, or from your nose ring. Or whatever.

This begs the question: Is it die-cast? How do the factory workers feel about using a poo die to make a living? Do they proudly announce this to their relatives? What are their Christmas cards like?

It also clearly illustrates the fact that different cultures define and try to attract luck in different ways. The Lucky Golden Poo is, of course, Japanese. They make nice electronics and reliable automobiles, so it just seems right that they'd think tiny metal poo sculptures are lucky. I guess.

Perhaps you, loyal time-waster, do not have a lucky object. Perhaps you'd like one? Well, for a limited time only (until this post gets scrolled out of view) I'm offering you a list of ways you can snag some luckiness using objects you can find, buy, make or steal all by yourself with only a little bit of time and minor damage to your intelligence.

• Lucky Sack of Dried Up Spiders (from most basements)
• Cat Hair Wad of Luck (got a long-haired cat and a brush?)
• A necklace made from your favorite breakfast cereal and some itchy twine brings luck AND helps you feed the sparrows.
• Lucky Bit of Linty Candy (stays in your pocket forever!)
• Random Burnt-Out Automotive Light Bulb of Happiness (if you own a car, all you have to do is wait)
• Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and tell your friends that you're the Lucky Glowing Spaceman of Glee, and they'll help pay for your treatment out of their own pockets.
• Stop bathing, and develop Lucky Odors®. A big hit with the ladies, who won't be able to get enough of your sweaty love. Very popular with people who buy things from SPAM email.
• Lucky Couch Quarters (their presence between the cushions will comfort you and buy you gumballs if you get desperate)
• Old Running Shoe of Constant Companionship. I don't have an explanation for this one. It's just...yeah.
• Lucky Piddle Patties, the clumpy catbox charms that keep the cruddies away!
• Start a Blog of Luck, and post about all the good luck you've had. Remember to attribute any fortunate happenstance to the vibrations of your crystals (quartz, from your watch, for instance) or the local barometric pressure, or goat observations, or anything for that matter, as long as it's stupid enough.
• Lucky Mummified French Fries. Keep them under your car seat for traditional musty luck in traffic.
• And, of course, Lucky Bench Gum, available in any public park to those who have only to seek.

There ya go! Before you know it, you'll be the luckiest person on your block, and all thanks to the Internet. Bet you didn't think there was anything useful on the Internet, did you? Well, I managed to stumble across the Lucky Golden Poo, and all I was doing was looking at Web cartoons. The things you find in banner ads nowadays is simply amazing.

Guess I got lucky.