By "merry Christmas baby," I mean that I am wishing that baby in the picture a merry Christmas. She looks like she could use one. One of her parents seems not to have noticed that there was a baby in the yarn, and she was knitted right into a pillowcase. So sad. Take note, Anne Geddes. This could happen to you.
So has your Holiday Season® been going well, time-wasters? So far so good here, knitting accidents aside. Have you, like me, been wished random welfare by strangers and not remembered why? Have you heard a cashier fire off a "merry Christmas!" at your retreating back, fallen down, gotten tangled in your plastic bags full of coffee beans and toothpaste, writhed into a sitting position and then wished the cashier a heartfelt "Blarg! Uh, wait! Spanky Easter! No, that's uh..." and then scampered away?
You're all liars.
Now. I'm sure you've all been wondering what The FooDaddy's got on his wishlist for this Christmas. That's a very good and extensive question, and I'll admit to not being easily shopped for. You see, time-wasters, the things on my list are not available at any department store. They cannot, thank God, be carried in plastic bags. I shall now enumerate:
- I want love and peaceful joy for wlka8,n---mmmph!
I'm sorry. I couldn't keep a straight face and started typing all screwy. Let's try that again. Seriously this time. Promise.
- I'd like an all-expenses-paid trip to the South Pole, where I will be allowed to chase penguins around until I get all sweaty, and then I want to drive a snowmobile up a mountain.
- I want the power to wander the corridors of someone else's mind. I would also like to be automatically excused if I leave any candy bar wrappers and gummy fingerprints on things in there.
- Just once, I'd like to be able to attempt something "cool" without feeling like a total wanker. It hurts my soul when cashiers laugh at me. It really does.
- I'd like to be able to say that I hung out with my favorite band for a day, that they gave me all the sody pop I could drink, let me drive their limousine, and to actually care about something like that.
- I want the ability to buss moves so spanky-dope that they impress people who only hear about them third-hand.
- Okay, not really.
Get shopping, time-wasters! I expect to find some kind of super powers in my sock on the morning of the 25th.
And don't tell me that's impossible. It's happened to me before. The only trouble with super powers you find in your socks is that they're generally...cheap. Mine was the ability to coin phrases like "chasing the laughing bats" and "crispy little wiener frog" and have people use them for a whole day before forgetting them.