Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas, Baby!


By "merry Christmas baby," I mean that I am wishing that baby in the picture a merry Christmas. She looks like she could use one. One of her parents seems not to have noticed that there was a baby in the yarn, and she was knitted right into a pillowcase. So sad. Take note, Anne Geddes. This could happen to you.

So has your Holiday Season® been going well, time-wasters? So far so good here, knitting accidents aside. Have you, like me, been wished random welfare by strangers and not remembered why? Have you heard a cashier fire off a "merry Christmas!" at your retreating back, fallen down, gotten tangled in your plastic bags full of coffee beans and toothpaste, writhed into a sitting position and then wished the cashier a heartfelt "Blarg! Uh, wait! Spanky Easter! No, that's uh..." and then scampered away?

Nobody?

You're all liars.

Now. I'm sure you've all been wondering what The FooDaddy's got on his wishlist for this Christmas. That's a very good and extensive question, and I'll admit to not being easily shopped for. You see, time-wasters, the things on my list are not available at any department store. They cannot, thank God, be carried in plastic bags. I shall now enumerate:

  1. I want love and peaceful joy for wlka8,n---mmmph!

I'm sorry. I couldn't keep a straight face and started typing all screwy. Let's try that again. Seriously this time. Promise.

  1. I'd like an all-expenses-paid trip to the South Pole, where I will be allowed to chase penguins around until I get all sweaty, and then I want to drive a snowmobile up a mountain.
  2. I want the power to wander the corridors of someone else's mind. I would also like to be automatically excused if I leave any candy bar wrappers and gummy fingerprints on things in there.
  3. Just once, I'd like to be able to attempt something "cool" without feeling like a total wanker. It hurts my soul when cashiers laugh at me. It really does.
  4. I'd like to be able to say that I hung out with my favorite band for a day, that they gave me all the sody pop I could drink, let me drive their limousine, and to actually care about something like that.
  5. I want the ability to buss moves so spanky-dope that they impress people who only hear about them third-hand.
  6. Okay, not really.
  7. Spanky-dope?

Get shopping, time-wasters! I expect to find some kind of super powers in my sock on the morning of the 25th.

And don't tell me that's impossible. It's happened to me before. The only trouble with super powers you find in your socks is that they're generally...cheap. Mine was the ability to coin phrases like "chasing the laughing bats" and "crispy little wiener frog" and have people use them for a whole day before forgetting them.

13 comments:

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Oh, and I know that these requests seem impossible, seeing as how it's only hours before Christmas. That's why we have the Internet, though! It's magic!

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Foo

There's so much you said that bears re-reading and comment, so please don't take the following as my dismissal of your very important literary effort.

But.....your favorite band and all the sody pop you can drink? I mean, who the heck is your favorite band? Raffi? The Wiggles? Mary Kate and Ashley (BEFORE they become cocaine addicts, naturallY)? And I think that a band who would knowingly dispense sody pop would also drive a limousine that looks alot like a giant, fuzzy bunny with wheels.

I'm not much of a playa', but that sounds like a great way to get lots of time in your parents's basement all to yourself. Well, ok, you and your Game Cube.

LOVE "spanky-dope". I gotta' remember to try that one. It's so nice and snappy that it should be spoken with a British accent (and, Eton, for heaven's sake, not those public school buggers!).

OK, I'm going to keep commenting. I think you should wander the mind of Angelina Jolie. For one thing, you wouldn't have use up your free littering pass. She wouldn't notice any trashiness you might leave behind. For another thing, she doesn't seem like your average hot-bodied, large lipped gal. There's some dark snakes a-writhing all up in there. Bound to be interesting is all I'm saying.

I like your choice of vacation, too. Seems like we should ask the penguins first, but so far they don't seem to speak American so Foo 'em.

Talk to me about your fixation with cashiers, too. Did you have a really humiliating experience with one at some point? Seems like if you get all befrackled when they speak to you (as in "Merry Christmas") and you wish you could buss some extremely un-wankerish moves in front of them, you must have some deep cashier wonds, man. I'm just saying, that's all.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Actually, I don't think I've ever had what you'd call a "bad" experience with a cashier. They just happened to be on my mind at the moment because I'd gotten done with a last bit o' Christmas shopping.

As for my favorite band, that's Collective Soul. I'm pretty sure they, being a rock band, would have liquor on tap, but I have never been able to make myself enjoy the taste of alcohol.

I know, I know. Non narcotics-using sober wuss. I am. I've even worn earplugs at concerts before, too.

Couple this bodily care with my daily sugar intake, however, and a little bit of hypocrisy becomes apparent.

The Stupid Blogger said...

Aw, man! I saw a big jar of spanky-dope at Wal*Mart and was going to get it for you, but decided to wait until it went on sale and by the time I returned, the shelf was empty. Bummer! I'll try for it next year, so I guess you'll just have to continue stumbling through checkout lanes in the same silly manner until then. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Congradulations on writing a morally appropriate post. at least for the most part. I was somewhat offended by the use of the word spanky-dope. in this world when drugs and alcohol have taken over I don't think using such terms is good. also the reference to Anne Gedes is unnessecary. she publishes books with naked babies. she is a wicked wicked woman.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaked.

Man, Anonymous, there's a whole lot of wicked for you :-)

By the way, I think that YOU are either Stupid Blogger or Foo.

YOU are too stupid to be real. As comic relief, you are fun, though. Keep it up!

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Hey FooDaddy, I hope you got a least a few of the items on your list. By the way, about that picture...is that some kind of new "baby burrito" from Taco Bell?

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

I did not get anything on my list, DBB. Oh, wait. I did buss a spanky-dope move at work, but nobody saw it.

As for the baby burrito, yes. It should be available at participating Taco Bells across the nation by March.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Oh, and Anonymous, I'm glad you semi-approve of this post. If its relatively evil-free content seems out of character and thus scary, rest assured...

...I was naked when I typed it. And I was thinking about beer and strippers at the same time too.

Again, I apologize.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

To Anonymous again,

You forgot to catch the following subversive evils in my list of Christmas wishes:

1.) Chasing penguins is evil because it could scare them, and getting "sweaty" also happens when one is having a lot of sex. This is evil as well.

2.) Mind-reading is a subsect of the occult and is pagan in nature. It is evil.

3.) The word "wanker" is British slang, and means "one who masturbates". Masturbation = Dinner at Satan's place.

4.) Rock bands drink lots of beer and might also do drugs. They are hell-bound, and listening to their music will lead me there with them.

5.) "Bussing moves" means "to dance," and as I'm sure you're aware, dancing is a sinful act that involves one's hips. Hips are where babies come from, and that's ALL they should be used for.

6.) "Okay, not really," means that I was lying in the previous item. Lying is bad.

7.) I said "spanky-dope" again. I did not learn of its evil the first time, and made the same mistake twice. This is shameful.

There! I hope I've helped you all to become more aware of the dangers of me.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Paul

You made me laugh on a particularly neck-creaky day (not sure why that is the case--but it probably has something to do with activities that Jesus wouldn't like). Thank you.

HeyNonnyMous said...

FooBoy, you're one o' them consarned bulb-snubbers, aintcha.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Yes. I leave no bulb unsnubbed. Dang it.