Thursday, December 14, 2006

Ah Gots Da Sikknesses


An Open Letter to My Sinuses

Look, guys, this isn't funny anymore. Wait... does this mean that I have more than one sinus? Could it be that it's just one of you morons fooling around up there and screwing the whole intake system up for the rest of us? I hope not, because I've got two words for you: laser surgery.

Anyway. Let it be known henceforth and throughput (or whatever) that I will no longer tolerate stepped-up snot production as a germ countermeasure. I've got a cold. I have not run into a situation where I need more stuff to put in tissues. I am not going to donate it to science, nor am I looking for Christmas presents for people I don't like much.

I've got a cold.

I'm tired of stopping every five minutes to honk into a two-ply facial tissue, turning innocent trash bins into devil piƱatas. This is seriously cutting down on real productivity, and I expect this problem remedied within the hour.

Sincerely,
Me.

So yeah. I've been a little under the weather lately, in the same way that lead tends to be under water. I managed to pick up this little bundle of microbial joy on the last day of my week-long vacation from work. This had the effect of making my vacation two days longer, unfortunately, I wasn't able to enjoy those two days. I spent most of them in a state of catatonia, curled up in my bed, sprinkled liberally with cats. I'm pretty sure I've only got two of them, but at the time it felt like I had hundreds of them up there with me, and they all wanted to occupy the same square footage I did.

If you were to ask The Girlfriend, I got sick because I ate some candy I found on a shelf at the store. She and I were cruising the Christmas decoration aisle, and I spied a little house made of candy. Some kind of cookie, by the smell of it. Sort of gingery. This "cookiebread house," as I will call it, had roof trimmings made of gummi orange slices, which I regard as quite tasty. There were no store employees nearby, nor could I spot any security camera domes. So I did what any red-blooded American citizen would have done: I snagged me a piece of gummi and put the eat move up on it.

The Girlfriend saw me do this, and what she said next led me to the conclusion that she thought I was being stupid. "That was stupid," she said.

Whatever. She was just mad because I thought of it first. People without free candy can be so bitter.

So I hope I get better soon, so I can taste things again. Gonna make me a cookiebread house with some nice, fresh, sterile gummies.

17 comments:

The Stupid Blogger said...

Excuse me? I clearly recall sending you an email a couple days ago telling you to get well. I think my exact words were, "GET WELL, YOU SWINE!" Did you not receive the email? Or are you simply ignoring my commands? As Beth can tell you, that is never a good idea.

Nah, actually, I really do hope you get better in a hasty manner.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Why, thank you, StupidBlogga. Y'hear that, sinus(es)? A command comes from without! You are outnumbered! You can leave the snot-making up to people who don't know how to raise kids.

We call that social commentary. Oooh! Get it? Snotty little kids?

Man, I'm funny.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Actually, The Girlfriend was mad because YOU ARE A SINNER. The Girlfriend is probably more interested in obeying God than you are.

Anyways, she probably threw a righteous hissy fit and she should have. You'll be lucky if your ailment isn't a more permanent arrangement sent upon you by the Almighty.

Besides, stealing gummies is a sort of "gateway crime". Next thing you know, you'll be sampling a grubby handful of granola in the bulk section of Meijers. After that, you'll try a free spin in a Beemer. Just you wait.

Anonymous said...

for the first time I agree with Mr. Pickle Weasel. the fact that you stole does not surprise me with the direction this blog has been going lately. I may not visit again.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Uh oh. I'm starting to think that Mr. Weasel's got a point too, about my alleged worship of Satan. Perhaps my cold was retribution for my erroneous ways? I'm starting to think so.

Come forth, Anonymous, and reveal yourself! Only then may you teach me the requisite methods of staying on the Straight And Narrow!

Okay. I'm done. Seriously, though, I think someone's doing this as a joke. If only I knew who it was, I could congratulate them by giving them a bag of gummi orange slices. Bought and paid for, of course.

SQT said...

I hate to say it, but I think the girlfriend's right. Do you have any idea how many kids (snotty nosed no less) probably pawed that same piece of candy before their mother's slapped their hands (grimy, dirty little things) away?

It's not a pretty picture is it?

Beth said...

Juat think about all the people that walked by and sneezed on it too. You should know better than to eat just any ole thing that has been sitting out like that. tsk tsk.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

I think that I have finally "outed" Anonymous...not his/her NAME, but the religious background!

Anyone who would get really excited about the kind of judgment that I leveled at Foo must be a religious fundamentalist. If that's the case, then anything that we do or say is likely to be unsatisfactory to Anonymous.

Anonymous said...

if religous fundamentalist means holding to the true paths God intended then i am one. you, Mr. Norby obviously have rejected the true Message of Salvation.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

"Religious Fundamentalist" makes me think of Pharisees, or...Al Qaeda. I know, I know, that's unfair, but there you have it.

So, Anonymous, if your faith is threatened by the lurid descriptions of evil on the Blog, (which may be total fiction; ever think of that?) you're cordially invited to delete your bookmark.

Bye!

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

You Go, Paul!

Man, your plague must have aroused all sorts of aggression in you.

Very nicely said.

Also, it's a petty point, but Anonymous mis-spelled my name. I point it out to get ahead of your Foo Pappy--who is a keen and alert spell checker guy.

If you must be a religious fundamentalist (sounds tiring), then please, please watch your spelling :-)

The Stupid Blogger said...

This guy has to be some sort of joke, although I must admit that he/she is doing their part to spice up the Blog a little. For that, Anon, I thank you. Oh, and I agree with both Foo and PW.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

yeah, SB, I guess you're right. I still am sticking my tongue out at Anonymous though, so neener neener neener.

Anonymous said...

go anonymous!

The Stupid Blogger said...

Wait, wait, wait. Do you mean to say that there are multiple anons?

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Or, since (s)he is the only one fighting the Good Fight®, all the support available is good support. Even if it's from yourself.

The rest of us don't have time, what with our drugs to take and orphans to beat. You know. Evil stuff.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

I LOVE your registered trademark!