An Open Letter to My Sinuses
Look, guys, this isn't funny anymore. Wait... does this mean that I have more than one sinus? Could it be that it's just one of you morons fooling around up there and screwing the whole intake system up for the rest of us? I hope not, because I've got two words for you: laser surgery.
Anyway. Let it be known henceforth and throughput (or whatever) that I will no longer tolerate stepped-up snot production as a germ countermeasure. I've got a cold. I have not run into a situation where I need more stuff to put in tissues. I am not going to donate it to science, nor am I looking for Christmas presents for people I don't like much.
I've got a cold.
I'm tired of stopping every five minutes to honk into a two-ply facial tissue, turning innocent trash bins into devil piñatas. This is seriously cutting down on real productivity, and I expect this problem remedied within the hour.
So yeah. I've been a little under the weather lately, in the same way that lead tends to be under water. I managed to pick up this little bundle of microbial joy on the last day of my week-long vacation from work. This had the effect of making my vacation two days longer, unfortunately, I wasn't able to enjoy those two days. I spent most of them in a state of catatonia, curled up in my bed, sprinkled liberally with cats. I'm pretty sure I've only got two of them, but at the time it felt like I had hundreds of them up there with me, and they all wanted to occupy the same square footage I did.
If you were to ask The Girlfriend, I got sick because I ate some candy I found on a shelf at the store. She and I were cruising the Christmas decoration aisle, and I spied a little house made of candy. Some kind of cookie, by the smell of it. Sort of gingery. This "cookiebread house," as I will call it, had roof trimmings made of gummi orange slices, which I regard as quite tasty. There were no store employees nearby, nor could I spot any security camera domes. So I did what any red-blooded American citizen would have done: I snagged me a piece of gummi and put the eat move up on it.
The Girlfriend saw me do this, and what she said next led me to the conclusion that she thought I was being stupid. "That was stupid," she said.
Whatever. She was just mad because I thought of it first. People without free candy can be so bitter.
So I hope I get better soon, so I can taste things again. Gonna make me a cookiebread house with some nice, fresh, sterile gummies.