Saturday, December 30, 2006

Chlorine-Scented Mockery


I know, that sounds like the next chapter of Scruffy Love, but it's not. I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait for that. Why? Because I'm not at home, and I have a picture I want to use for that one. Honestly. That's all that's keeping you waiting.

Whassat? Y'don't care? I don't need your guff.

So The Girlfriend and I went over to my best friend Kevin's place. He's got a hottub, and now I smell like the YMCA. I'm whiffy, but sterile, and that means I come out ahead.

Forget all that for now, though, because although I'm wrinkly and stinkly, my purpose here is to make fun of psychics. I've done some research, courtesy of the Wikipedia, which is the kind of thoroughness you've come to expect from the FooDaddy, time-wasters.

When taking on the task of making fun of psychics, normally one would focus on how they'll say things like "your sister is in a bright, shiny place, surrounded by singing goldfish, and she wants you to know that she always hated your haircut," in order to surprise stupid people. Not me. I'm going to cover the spiritual side. The meditation that conditions the brain and fuels the soul's aura, sharpening it to the point where it can tune into any of the unlimited vibrational planes that surround us.

Sound familiar? If not, then you haven't picked up any pastel-colored books at work lately.

The FooDaddy Mind's Eye

In our first exercise, we will go to our wardrobe and pick out something flowing and soft. A bathrobe made of puppy ears, or a nice set of high-threadcount boxer shorts with your favorite cartoon character embroidered on them. This cartoon character will be your soul guide, and will communicate with you constantly. You should refrain from talking to your crotch in public, especially around the unenlightened.

Now that you're dressed properly, find a place in your domicile where the energy flows freely. Your breaker box comes to mind. Or the tank on your toilet. Go in there and hum softly to yourself and think about the color brown. Brown is the color of moles, and moles are a very tenacious form of life that we could all learn a lot from.

Has your heartrate dropped? Are you feeling drowsy and calm? Good. This is perfectly natural for someone dressed in boxer shorts humming to himself in the bathroom.

Next, I want you to imagine yourself inside a cardboard box. The sides are flat and very slightly bristly. It smells of newsprint in there. There are little chinks of light coming in from the top where the flaps don't quite meet, and there are kittens trying to paw them open. You mustn't give in to them! Their insistent mewing is naught but poison to your mind. Defeat the kittens and prevail. The cardboard is your friend, and the cardboard is your fortress.

Have you defeated the kittens like the proud and mighty mole? Have you achieved enlightenment and a deeper consciousness? Good. Now get dressed and go to work.

7 comments:

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Foo,

I must confess that I am a little high at the moment.

NO, you idiot, I don't mean that I've been enjoying my crack pipe. I haven't done that for at least 2 days now.

Anyway, I just went and watched a pretty good chick flic with my wife. It turned out to capture my imagination (I mean, Kate Winslett and a very radiant Carmen Diaz, need I say more?). Seriously, though, I was caught up in this film.

Shortly after, I took my wife to a nearby restaurant and imbibed what was named on the menu as "Captain's High Tea". Turned out to have NO tea in it whatsoever.

I am now very benevolent, however.

Anonymous said...

after you very unkind response to my last effort of righteousness I almost decided not to bother pointing out all the bad things in your latest post. but after praying and seeking His will I knew I had a reponsibility to carry on through the hardships and the shame others may heep upon me. I will try to list your actual wrongs in the same manner.

your post is not too bad on the surface but the fact that you are mocking the occult is of concern. the occult is a very serious and dangerous thing and should be taken seriously by all. it is not fun and games.

also you provided a link to the wicked posted in which you posted a picture of a naken man. can you not abandon the follies of sin my friend? can you not say to yourself, i will not allow myself to be swayed by the desires of the flesh? I will not take this website and turn it into a thing of evil and reproach to all that is good, holy, pure, kind, decent, loving, family oriented, chaste, clean, wholesome, innocent, unsullied, guiltless, harmless, safe, inoffesive, and God-like?

your obviously do not take instructions well since you say that "i don't need your gruff." is that Christlike attitude? I think not

you should not refer to women with belittling nicknames. I assume the Girlfriend is actually your girlfriend. you should be treating her with respect.

also the fact that you were in a hottub with another male is very saddening to me. and to involve a female in this is just sad sad sad.

the YMCA should not be mentioned either because it is a place where men and women gather to gaze upon one anothers bodies and it is a breeding ground for lust and marital infideleties.

you also refer to women getting their haircut. this is clearly against Biblical teaching and should be taken out of the post lest it lead other asstray.

i believe I have given you enough to think about for now. Ill return later to see if you have made these changes.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Ha ha. Anonymous can't spell. I suggest you switch to Firefox 2.0, as it has a built-in spell checker.

The Girlfriend, who cuts hair for a living, would not appreciate this, Anony. You're contributing to the dismay and degradation of a fellow child of God. How does that make you feel?

Oh, and one other thing before I go. You said that things were being "heeped" upon you. This is sinful. There never was and never will be any heeping on this site. Heeping is of the Devil, and will not be tolerated.

I hope you take this to heart, Anonymous, for it could mean the difference between playing hopscotch with the angels, or drinking bum wine with Satan for you.

The Stupid Blogger said...

Wow, Anony. If I didn't have such implicit faith in your godliness, I'd think you had imbibed a little. You really outdid yourself. Was that sexual? I hope so. Happy new year, Anony. My new resolution is to mock you more than I did last year.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Hey, Stupid...

Are you implying that a little imbibing is un-godly? I hope not for I felt most elevated recently after a moderate round of imbibation (cool, a new word!)

The Stupid Blogger said...

No, I said nothing of the sort. I was merely saying that for Anony to imbibe would be a great surprise, considering his obvious opinions concerning godliness.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Yeah. He probably thinks that "imbibing" has to do with the Bible.

Anonymous! Put your clothes back on and get away from the Internet! Thar be foul and evil things in here!

Man. Can't trust anyone anymore.