I know, that sounds like the next chapter of Scruffy Love, but it's not. I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait for that. Why? Because I'm not at home, and I have a picture I want to use for that one. Honestly. That's all that's keeping you waiting.
Whassat? Y'don't care? I don't need your guff.
So The Girlfriend and I went over to my best friend Kevin's place. He's got a hottub, and now I smell like the YMCA. I'm whiffy, but sterile, and that means I come out ahead.
Forget all that for now, though, because although I'm wrinkly and stinkly, my purpose here is to make fun of psychics. I've done some research, courtesy of the Wikipedia, which is the kind of thoroughness you've come to expect from the FooDaddy, time-wasters.
When taking on the task of making fun of psychics, normally one would focus on how they'll say things like "your sister is in a bright, shiny place, surrounded by singing goldfish, and she wants you to know that she always hated your haircut," in order to surprise stupid people. Not me. I'm going to cover the spiritual side. The meditation that conditions the brain and fuels the soul's aura, sharpening it to the point where it can tune into any of the unlimited vibrational planes that surround us.
Sound familiar? If not, then you haven't picked up any pastel-colored books at work lately.
The FooDaddy Mind's Eye
In our first exercise, we will go to our wardrobe and pick out something flowing and soft. A bathrobe made of puppy ears, or a nice set of high-threadcount boxer shorts with your favorite cartoon character embroidered on them. This cartoon character will be your soul guide, and will communicate with you constantly. You should refrain from talking to your crotch in public, especially around the unenlightened.
Now that you're dressed properly, find a place in your domicile where the energy flows freely. Your breaker box comes to mind. Or the tank on your toilet. Go in there and hum softly to yourself and think about the color brown. Brown is the color of moles, and moles are a very tenacious form of life that we could all learn a lot from.
Has your heartrate dropped? Are you feeling drowsy and calm? Good. This is perfectly natural for someone dressed in boxer shorts humming to himself in the bathroom.
Next, I want you to imagine yourself inside a cardboard box. The sides are flat and very slightly bristly. It smells of newsprint in there. There are little chinks of light coming in from the top where the flaps don't quite meet, and there are kittens trying to paw them open. You mustn't give in to them! Their insistent mewing is naught but poison to your mind. Defeat the kittens and prevail. The cardboard is your friend, and the cardboard is your fortress.
Have you defeated the kittens like the proud and mighty mole? Have you achieved enlightenment and a deeper consciousness? Good. Now get dressed and go to work.