Sunday, November 26, 2006

I'm thankful for...

It's a strange custom, this yammering on to perfect strangers about how well off you are. Everywhere you go people are holding forth about their gratitude.

So, since it seems so neat, here are a few things for which I am thankful:

1). Superior intellect. Yes, that DOES mean superior to YOU if you are a easily-offended type.

2). Above average appearance. Almost goes without saying, but I AM thankful.

3). An enviable lifestyle. Well, I'm so SORRY if you feel envy. That's a venal sin and I'm sorry to be the cause of it in your life, but let's review a few little items and see if you don't have a few stirrings of that little viper. If you can answer "yes" to any of the following, then you should consider NOT envying me. Here goes.... Did you: a). nibble caviar from the navel of a supermodel this morning for breakfast? Y/N b). stretch in all your suntanned glory before a full length mirror prior to dressing? Y/N c). summon your man or maidservant up the winding staircase of your palace and bid them carry you down to your chauffered limousine? Y/N d). climb the steps of your Gulfstream IV and watch terra firma fall away beneath you as you flew to the Cayman Islands for a weekend of no tan lines? Y/N e). just receive an invitation to give the commencement address at Harvard in the Spring--and at the same time also be granted an honorary Doctorate? Y/N

Actually, I just read this little pop quiz and failed miserably myself. Who IS this "me" and why do I feel so homicidally envious of him?

10 comments:

The Stupid Blogger said...

Man, I didn't do any of these! Well, I did nibble caviar from the navel of a supermodel this morning for breakfast. It's not as great as you might think, because my wife won't let me have a whole supermodel.

crack stoopit said...

I didn't know the Navy had super models.

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

VenIal sin, boy. The way to remember it is YOU are venal, but the sins you induce others to commit are merely venial.

Hope that helps.

mary benbow said...

this is way involved for me to read and wayWAY too long for me to actually understand.
i just wanted to say "HIIII JACOB!" you're the coolest. i approve greatly of coldplay. if you love them, you are sure to like lovedrug (www.lovedrugmusic.com) tell your wifey i said hi!!!

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

All hail King Nordby and his hordes of caviar-smeared concubines!

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

wow! I assumed that I would generate a maelstrom of mean-ness with this bit of self glorification. Instead, I get kudos from an old friend, Mary; hailing from the Foo; a bit of bitterness from Foo Pappy's Pappy; and only gentle sarcasm from Stupid.

Youse guys aren't so bad after all. I should lie about my life more often.

By the way, Stupid, what's it like to have a supermodel's navel lying around all by itself? seems creepy

The Stupid Blogger said...

Probably the main reason you did not receive an avalanche of aspersionary bile is because we recognized the absurdity of the statements as we were reading and by the time we were finished reading, we understood this post to be the mere bleating of a miserable individual who is angry because he does not have ready access to a Bo Bevans.

Oh, and the navel is somewhat creepy, but we Don Juan wannabes have to take what we can get. The most difficult part is preserving the errant anatomical member. A jar of pickle juice is effective, but tends to give the caviar a bit of a dill flavor. Oh, and The Don Juan Wannabes would make a great name for a band.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Laaaa-a-a-dies and Gentle--me-e-en!

From Half Moon Bay, California.......the Don Juan Wannabe's!!!!!

On the kazoo is Foo Daddy's Daddy. (furious applause!)

Here on the electric zither is the Foo hisself!
(panty flinging screams)

And at the Steinway is our own, internationally loved Stupid!
(crazed, spittle-flecked moshing)

Over here is Stupid's Wifey. She doesn't play anything but she keeps Stupid from fornicating with you groupies!
(stupified silence)

So, anyway, let's give them a huge Colon, Michigan welcome!!!!!!

foospeller said...

"stupEfied"

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Boy, you are right! I went to private (Christian) school and home school. I used to be a champion speller. This is mortifying (mortefieying?).

However, with so many other enviable qualities, a couple of humility inducing elements is probably positive.