Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Wedded Blitz

Marriage is a tricky business and, while I don’t profess to be an expert, I will say that I have learned a few things over the past four years. Four and a half years. Five years. Whatever. Moving on, I’d like to address the issue of problems in a marriage and how to handle them.

Men and women handle problems differently. They perceive problems differently and they pursue solutions differently. Left to his/her own devices, an individual will generally resolve the problem regardless of gender, but naturally, this wasn’t good enough. No! Men and women insist on co-habiting and this is why there are major problems above and beyond those of which nail polish to buy or even reaching that elusive “Z” while burping the alphabet.

Once a man and woman become a couple, things really complicate. Men view problems as obstacles, roadblocks on the path to more steak and Doritos, and think the best solution in all cases is to simply roll over the barrier with any vehicle containing an engine. They’ll use anything, although an Abrams tank is generally preferred. In other words, brute force is the key.

Women, on the other hand, view problems as actual problems, and consider the optimal solution to be: a long, involved discussion centered around the problem itself, the vague causes for the problem, all individuals involved in the problem, how the problem will impact their weight, and how Sandra’s new haircut makes her look like a deranged wombat hit by a riding lawnmower.

Even now, things are not at a critical point. But, as I mentioned, couples will eventually end up attempting to solve problems by working together. This is never a good idea, because the two problem-solving methods are not compatible. Let’s lay out a typical scenario.


A TYPICAL SCENARIO

Bob comes home from a long day at work, flops down on the couch, and grabs the remote. Ten minutes into an episode of Seinfeld, he suddenly becomes aware of his wife, Flossy, who is whimsically moving about the room and emitting sighs that sound as if they are being torn from the depths of her soul. Because Bob has been married for several years, he recognizes the presence of a problem. Immediately, his manly instincts report for duty and he mutes the television.

“What’s wrong?”

Flossy continues her waif impersonation and sighs, “Nothing.”

This is obviously a lie, so Bob persists. “Are you sure? What’s wrong?”

“Oooooooh…nothing.”

At this point, Bob has options. None of them good. Let’s examine these choices.

OPTION 1: Bob can assume nothing is wrong, unmute his favorite show, and continue enjoying his evening. While this is a common approach and completely logical, given the fact Flossy has twice denied there is a problem, it also will require Bob to ignore Flossy as she observes him watching television in oblivious contentment for several more minutes, before she finally flees to the bedroom and weeps.

OPTION 2: If you have the IQ of a rutabaga, you will have recognized option 1 as the actions of a lunatic. If Bob is a wise man, he will keep Seinfeld muted and, preferably, turn off the television altogether. Then he will rouse himself from the couch and sit upright, while affixing Flossy with an expression of caring and concern. For the next half hour, he will continually ask her if something is wrong. If Bob is lucky, Flossy will finally admit to having difficulties. She will then sit next to him on the couch and weep. While weeping, the entire story will come out and Flossy will discuss the problem itself, the vague causes for the problem, all individuals involved in the problem, how the problem will impact her weight, and how Sandra’s new haircut makes her look like a deranged wombat hit by a riding lawnmower.

Being a man, Bob will run out to his Abrams tank and prepare to solve the problem. We now understand Bob is an idiot, because women do not wish to have their problems solved. Merely discussing the problem in a "meaningful" way (I heard the masculine shudders from here) seems to suffice and even "solve" the problem, if you can call something not involving violent action and explosions a solution.


LIFE LESSON: If your wife is acting whimsical, inquire about her welfare at least 3,675 times. Once she has admitted to a problem after the 3,676th inquiry, do not, under any circumstances, attempt to solve it! Just sit there, nod understandingly, and replay old Seinfeld episodes in your head. Good luck, sucker.

17 comments:

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

This entry, and the advice it contains, is so dang blang wise, its wisdom is wiser than the wisest wisdom that the wisiest wisers ever wised. True that! Right awn! Amen! Preach it brother! I better shut up now!

The Stupid Blogger said...

Well, I must consider that high praise! And I want to meet the wisiest wisers. They sound like they'd be weird.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

So, Stupid...

I can't find much to disagree with in your post. That makes me cranky and fractious. There should be SOMETHING to debate with you, but I think you have a pretty good grasp of the situation.

what makes me worried is that it took me a good deal more years than 5 to learn some of this stuff.

That also makes me cranky.

You know what else? Well, I'll tell you! It's no fair that the other sex chooses to share all their troubles (real and imagined) with the "stronger vessels" and then get all pissy when we try to go do something about them.

It's not fair and it's not kool. I don't fall into this trap very often now, but every single time I do, I get a little more bruising on my soul.

The Stupid Blogger said...

Wow, you've let me down. I thought sure you'd call me on something. Well, I must give you credit for recognizing brilliance when you see it. Hehe.

Anyway, I thought it'd be nifty to write a series of marriage/relationship posts for the blog. Feel free to jump with your own contributions if you wish. And FooDaddy is currently dating, so he could give his views on it, too. Might be fun.

Stupid Blogger's Wifey said...

Yeah well it might be fun, but don't you forget that the spouse and the girlfriend and pw's wife all read this STUPID blog regularly. So you better think carefully about everything before actually posting it.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Yeah! Ha ha! Women are sooo...

Oops.

Stupid Blogger's Wifey said...

Hey you FOO! I demand that you finish that sentence. I have a feeling you just blew the pumpkin bread offer out the window.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Purty. You're all very purty. That's what I was gonna say.

Stupid Blogger's Wifey said...

Sorry I ain't buying it. Maybe if you bought me some sweettarts. Notice I said maybe.

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

Just wanted to point out that SweeTarts and Lik-M-Aid were invented and made in south St. Louis (down the river from the Arch) before the evil Willy Wonka came along frontin' for those Nestle dudes and started sellin' 'em in places like... Michigan.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

and I'd like to point out that ALL of those places are in the midwest! 'nuff said

The Stupid Blogger said...

And what has Idaho contributed to the nation? Eh? Besides general arrogance and elitist (but uncouth) wildlife, I mean. And then consider the animals of the region...

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

What Idaho has contributed is that we have left all the rest of you THE HECK ALONE!

While the rest of the nation was all tangled up in that little disturbance called the Civil War, Idaho was busy trying to get silver and get drunk. We were generally dirty enough that skin color was kind of a "muddy" subject anyway, and we all worked like slaves already. Couldn't figure out what the big deal was. (don't bother checking stupid stuff like dates of statehood or anything else. I've already done it for you)

Since then, we have helped to fatten the denizens of the Midwest states by shipping out trillions of pounds of fine russet potatoes--which McDonald's turned into little fried "quadruple bypass surgery" sticks.

Elistist? Naw. We don't think we're actually better. Well, yeah, we do.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Oh, and, Stupid...

I have re-read your item here several times because it contains so much depth and wisdom--typically referred to simply as "girth".

Anyway, I just wanted to add a little about some more feminine traits. These seems really cute and oddly seductive during a short courtship, but become hair-tearingly maddening later in life.

So, as you point out, women will sometimes EVENTUALLY tell you the source of their woes--through much sighing and looking askance of the eyes. This is good because it helps the man to understand that there was not indeed "nothing" wrong. NO, there was SOMETHING. This is a relief, but often, when the sordid tale has finally spilled out, the man becomes inwardly full of rage. This is because, while he was ready to go straddle a bulldozer and tear up some big stuff in defense of his lady, turns out he really isn't needed at all. In fact, when the story comes out in its full horror, he is often confused (and men HATE being confused) because it seems that there shouldn't be a problem at all!

I'm just saying, that's all...

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

Best way to fix it? Rush to the liberry and obtain a copy of Scruffy Love.

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

And follow the instructions therein.

By the way, a person who's elistist is someone too proud to pay attention to his spellchekR.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Hey, Foo Daddy...

I can't seem to offend you or insult you directly enough to make you respond to my other cracks at you. However, I see your passive aggressive streak. It's very effective. I have tears running down my face right now.