Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Recorder--an instrument in the hands of Satan

There are only a couple of people in this world who should play a recorder. You aren't one of them and my son, Nathan, is most certainly not one of them, either.

In my evolution as a human, I have come to hold much less defined beliefs as to the nature of evil, but when I came home and found my son screeching away on his shiny new recorder, I immediately discovered a powerful certainty that Satan is alive and walks the earth.

"Hey, dad," my freckled one grinned, "Look what I got!"

"Wonderful," I regurgitated. Then I felt invisible, malicious fingers grasping at my throat.

So, let's examine the (maybe) two categories of people who have a right to play the recorder:

1). if you are a wizened Navaho Indian sitting alone under a vast night sky atop a red rock mesa, then you may be a candidate. The recorder "properly" played gives off that haunting, lonesome wail that seems most appropriate to wilderness places--places where other humans can't hear you.


Turns out there was only one category.

Anyone else who presumes to take up the recorder is either a small child upon whom this instrument of evil has been forced, or a sadist. Or both.

My son is both, I'm pretty sure.


The Stupid Blogger said...

I like the part about the wizened Navajo. I always thought the old Indians and hermits went off alone because they were wise and wanted to ponder the universe. Turns out, they were driven from their tribes because of their incessant recorder recitals.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

well, yes...that and the fact that they like to pick their nose, eat it and moan orgasmically. It's very off-putting to witness this sort of thing.

They generally have a sort of sour smell, too. Like a damp, wadded up rag that you might find in the sink when your wife doesn't do as you request (very reasonably!) and simply rinse it out and hang it up nicely. Oh. That kind of sounded like a rant.

So anyway, yeah. they stink, they eat boogers and they play recorders. Sounds like Foo Daddy's Daddy?

Suzi said...

You have my sympathy. Where I live, 4th grade was the year of horror, although 2nd grade and its "Do your ears hang low" and "Miss Merry Mack" caused many parents to take a fork to their eardrums, too.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Eardrum forking...that's an idea I haven't considered. Would one use a fork with just a couple of tines or just say "heck with it" and jam a regular sized one in?

I'd like to know the particulars, because I have to really think about my options here.

Oh, and Foo Daddy's Daddy. Please allow me to apologize for lumping you in with wizened Navajos. I'm sure your habits are much more objectionable than theirs, but I don't have personal, empirical evidence of yours, so it's not really fair to you...or to the wrinkley, stinky crowd down in Mesa.

msdemmie said...

Be thankful it is not the bagpipes or the violin.

The Stupid Blogger said...

Woohoo! The violin! Now we're going to get some pap of a lecture from PeeDoubleYou about how the violin is the king of instruments. I can smell it coming. (I agree with the bagpipes, by the way. They are the devil's own instrument.)

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Well, dear Stupified,

I actually lamented my predestination toward the violin. I wish that I had learned to play the guitar or the piano. The violin, properly played upon (as I do), is an instrument of haunting and exquisite beauty. However, to achieve any level of skill that would allow you to also mingle with other people, you must spend many, many painful hours in screeching solitude.

Also, how many times have you "gathered 'round the 'ol violin" to sing along with your friends? What? Not even oncet? (by the way, I learned that pronunciation of the word "once" out in Michigan. "Onced" or "Oncet"--sounds like "Wunst").

Well, anyway, the violin is cool (kool) but isn't a very sociable instrument. Also, you almost never attract the sort of women who will "do" you in a grungy stadium bathroom by mentioning that you are a skillful violinist. That benefit usually gets dumped upon the unwashen head of the bass guitar player.

But, dear Stupey, I must also point out that, as much as I truly enjoy your piano playing (and as much as it IS a more sociable instrument), pianists aren't famous for getting lots of free tail either

The Stupid Blogger said...

Well, I must concede to your grungy bathroom point. In fact, most pianists never play in stadiums at all. "My fingers are cold!" And, while I love the sound and feel of a piano, I've also regretted not learning the guitar. While one can gather around the piano and sing, it's a somewhat troublesome instrument to lug around on hiking trips for the sole purpose of having one handy in the off-chance there will be a campfire sing-a-long. Hmmm. That'd make a great Pat McManus tale.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Yes, it would, but why not steal it (pre-emptively) from him and make it a great Craig Hart story.

The Stupid Blogger said...

Oh, you devious-minded thing, you. Good idea.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

the only way geniuses (genii?) get ahead in life is by figuring out the smart ideas that smarter people than they are just about to think of and snatching 'em.

I know, because I am a genius.