Given that I work for the library system, as I’ve mentioned too many times before, I have unfettered access to a wide array of literary bilge. This usually manifests itself in the form of those little 3” by 5” paperbacks with pictures on the cover of rebellious shirtless men pressing their manly selves up against swoony women in poofy, low-cut dresses.
“Oh, Bartholomew! You’re so sweaty!”
“That’s my love, dear lady.”
“My chest doth heave!”
The Romance Novel. If I had to judge by weight, about 10 percent of my job is devoted to routing these little abominations. As if you couldn’t already tell, I think the Romance genre, uh, doesn’t need to exist, to put it nicely. Out of simple curiosity (and to pick up swooning tips) I’ve flipped a few of them open and taken a peek. This served two purposes: To reduce my faith in the intelligence of humankind, and to give me something to make fun of on the Blog.
To be perfectly honest, this post is mostly an excuse to show you time-wasters this particularly hilarious back-cover picture I found at work. I added the quotation balloons.
So, without further ado, The FooDaddy Romance Novel!
Scruffy LoveBuck Studson was a rebel cowboy with a lot of muscles and no chest hair. He didn’t like children, until he met the pretty lady with the poofy dress who lived at the orphanage down the road. Cassidy Swoony had been single for too long, and it was starting to make her very angry.
By The FooDaddy
By The FooDaddy
“Because of my strong desire for to be swept off my feets, I swat you mercilessly, Little Rodney!” she said, chasing Little Rodney about the orphanage with a rolled up issue of Cosmopolitan magazine.
“You need a man with no chest hair and a cowboy hat!” said Rodney, dodging into the bathroom and running the bolt.
“Foul wastrel!” sighed Cassidy, and ran headlong into the door. She bounced off the wood veneer, and into the arms of…
“Buck,” said Buck, for that was his name, pointing to his hairless chest. “I’m here to adopt a child. I want one to help me take care of my giant romantic log cabin in the mountains, and to keep my flock of studly horses from getting fat by riding them all about the romantic mountains. How about that one?” Buck pointed vaguely in the direction of a pile of adorable children.
“My my, what a handsome stranger he is! My bosom heaves and thrives! I wish I, very attractive woman with great hair who is somehow inexplicably also very lonely, could put my painful past behind me and strew myself into this man’s heavily muscled wrists! I bet he likes ice cream too.” Cassidy thought out loud.
“What?” Buck squinted at Cassidy.
“Did I say that out loud? Foolish me!” she said, blushing.
“You’re turning red,” said Buck slyly. “Do you want to have sex?”
“Certainly!” said Cassidy, and swooned, thumping into Buck’s studly deerskin trenchcoat.
“Gross!” said Little Rodney from the bathroom.
So there you have it. That could very well be the first installment, and if I feel like it, I’ll write more later. I’ve been mocking the Romance Novel out loud for years now, and I’ve found that it’s fun to do it in print!
“That’s lame,” said Little Rodney.