Sunday, October 22, 2006

Dave Barry

I am SURE that this is violating one of our stupid rules, but I can't help myself and won't try. This was so funny that I think we'll get above average mileage out of it. If I could be sure one of you wouldn't have called me a filthy quisling liar-plagiarist, I would have tried to, um...plagiarize it.

Piece by Brother Dave Barry


I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People
know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too
can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink Liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Somemay leave the room.

Make Things Up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that you are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch ofPeruvians be better off.
Don't say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."
Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 below the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make that up too.
Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9,1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you
would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

Use Meaningless But Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases

Memorize this list:
• Let me put it this way
• In terms of
• Vis-a-vis
• Per se
• As it were
• Quo
• So to speak

You should also memorize someLatin abbreviations such as"Q.E.D.," "e.g." and "i.e."
These are all short for "I speak Latin,and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases.

Suppose you want to say,"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that.
But you WILL win if you say,"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-à-vis Peruvians quo Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use Snappy and IrrelevantComebacks

You need an arsenal of all purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
• You're begging the question
• You're being defensive
• Don't compare apples to oranges
• What are your parameters?
The last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what"parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..." Your opponent says: "Lincoln died in 1865." You say: "You're begging the question."
You say: "Liberians, like mostAsians..." Your opponent says:"Liberia is in Africa." You say:"You're being defensive."

Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.
Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons


Jack W. Regan said...

This is funny stuff. But, then again, it's Dave Barry, so what am I saying?

The only problem I have with posting this sort of stuff is that it points out how truly lame some of my own creations are. Oh, wait, you guys already do that. Crap!

Anonymous said...

If y'all are gonna cite Dave Barry, you should insert some of the pertinaceous bibliographic data at the end, like so:

"--from Golfers And Other Strangers And The Horse They Rode In On, copyright MCMLXIII, Ramrod Press, New Brunswick. Y'know, like that.

People might want to know which of the many Dave Barry collections this piece hails from.

Jack W. Regan said...

..and the law, and other piddlin' trifles.

Anonymous said...

Barry has feelings?