Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Scruffy Love 3; Diamond in the Scruff



In his secret underground lair deep inside the highest peak of the Malady Mountains, Thurgood Bastardson laughed quietly to himself. His laughter slithered around his cave like evil gerbils running in exercise wheels made of dishonesty.

This craggy expanse of rock and misery stretched the entire latitude of Rugged Outlaw County, and provided Thurgood with excellent cover from the prying eyes and dogooding ways of the local constabulary. This was fortunate, as he had a good mind to go out and make Buck miserable today. He whistled for his horse, waited nearly a minute, and then realized that his horse was aboveground, grazing in a field of the crappiest grass Thurgood could find. He slapped himself in his evil forehead and headed for the elevator.

The antagonist wrapped his long, evil fingers around a rope that ran the length of the shaft and began the laborious task of hauling the little car upward on its pulley system. He muttered to himself while he did this.

“That scalawag Studson thinks he’s sooo wonderful, with his quaint cabin in the mountains, his hairless chest festooned with heaving man-patties… his flock of giggling adolescents…”

This last one really got under Thurgood’s skin. The Flock. How many times had he longed for such a following! As a skilled banjo and accordion player, he had figured that the next inevitable step towards stud-god would be his own adoring harem.

But the accident in the mines with the foreman laughing at him, the slow and painful rehabilitation…and the discovery that his pickin’ hand was damaged beyond repair. The weight of this memory sat in Thurgood’s consiousness like a diseased yak with malice on its mind.

“Hello, yak,” he mumbled.

“Moo,” said the yak.

The elevator ground to a halt. Startled birds took flight as the door of the little green outhouse banged open, and Thurgood Bastardson stepped out to greet the day.

“Curse you Sun, and your hideous diurnal crawl!” he hollered into the vaulted blue expanse of the sky. “I shake my gnarled fist at thee!” He shook his fist and whistled for his horse. He waited nearly a minute, then realized his horse was tied to a bush on the other side of the rocks West of the elevator/outhouse. He slapped himself on the forehead and stomped angrily westward.


Thurgood tossed himself into the saddle, and spurred his mount. His dark hair trailed out behind him like the spiteful tail of an evil comet as he rode towards Buck Studson’s quaint little cabin. Oh, wouldn’t he be surprised, that woman-hogging putz! Bastardson let loose a cackle that covered the land like frost on the Devil’s brow.

Meanwhile…

“Buck. We are going to make something, you and I.” Cassidy’s voice, sultry and low, came sliding into the bedchamber like high-grade gear oil.

Buck looked up from the studly shotgun he held in his lap. It had gophers carved on the stock. “I’d hear more of this ‘something,’ my immaculately formed baked confection of desire,” he said with a wink.

“Oh, well, let me see here,” Cassidy purred. “It’ll be hot.”

“And?”

“Steamy.”

“Oh boy!” His shotgun clattered to the floor as he stood.

“And oh so sweet…” Cassidy all but moaned, tilting her head back and gazing up into Buck’s nostrils.

“Glory to all the gods that be!” he bellowed. “We’re going to make cupcakes!” He pumped his fist in the air.

“With…sprinkles.” Cassidy purred again. “Let me go slip into something more, um, appropriate,” she said, tracing Buck’s jawline with her little finger.

Buck watched her flounce away and went to put on his silk baking shorts.


…to be continued!

25 comments:

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

HAaaaawwwrrrrr...!

I smell something sweetly sinful. This is sure to send old Anony scampering (skampering) away into a dark corner with his dial up internet connection and a small hand towel.

Beth said...

Hey this is in my humble opinion the best scruffy love I have read on this here blog. I actually laughed out loud while reading it.
Every time I suggest having Scruffy love Craig runs in the bathroom and shaves. I can't seem to keep him scruffy.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Craig may be gay

Beth said...

Yes PW, Craig does seem to quite happy most of the time. You may be right.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

no, you poor, poor dear! I wasn't speaking of Craig's drug-induced euphoria.

Haven't you noticed how much he likes Broadway tunes? And how he spends a large portion of the family's disposable income on clothes and cranberry exfoliations?

You may start paying attention. I'm not saying anything, I'm just saying...

The Drive-by Blogger said...

A worthy addition to the Scruffy Love series. Thurgood Bastardson going to suffer brain damage if he doesn't stop slapping himself in the forehead like that.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Thank you, everyone. Craig? Do you de-scruff with a blade or electric? Nordby? Cranberries taste terrible, but they do help whisk away that layer of dead skin that all humans accumulate by living. With it gone, you're open to all sorts of airborne diseases! It's horribly wonderful.

Or, you know. So I'm told.

Drive-By Blogga? Thurgood's got hisself a forehead of steel. He's a Grade "A" Bad Guy® and as such is built to exacting standards.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

I descruff with a carpenter's rasp. it's lots more manly.

The Stupid Blogger said...

I use both methods on occasions, Foo. I prefer the blade, because it gives me a closer shave (I like to live on the edge), but the 'lectric one does the job faster and I don't have to worry about little cuts.

I must agree with Beth on this. I think this is the best Scruffy Love installment yet. It goes beyond just a romance novel parody and is funny just 'cause! That's just my take. I'm right, of course, but I just thought I'd make a cursory attempt at humility before once again assuming my lofty throne of arrogance.

Hey, Anony...Where aaaaaaarrrrrre yoouuuuuuu? Seriously, we're feeling kinda deserted around here. I can sense the evil sneaking in from every side. Back, demons! Flee from the imminent arrival of the Great Anon, Holy Censor of the Web!

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Yeah, I'm kinda disappointed in Brother Anon myself. There are wrongs to be righted! Evil to be fighted! Perhaps I should goad him as follows:

Brother Anon? You're a stink face.

Now! Doesn't that make fill you with righteous indignation?

Bwa ha ha!

Yeah. The Dad said that he liked this one too, because it was actually well-written. I'm so proud of me! I'mma go out and get me some ice cream.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Oop. Syntax error. I left the word "make" in there when I shoulda backspaced it right out. Curse you, Anonymous! Your feeble grasp on text-based English is contagious!

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

Not only well-writ, but prescient. Someday we will have jetpacks, flying cars and clockwork mechanical automatronic wimmenz, just as the venerable editors of Popular Mechanics foresaw.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

I'd also like to point out that my relationship with The Girlfriend has inspired this stuff. The pet names and the cake-based innuendo are almost directly stolen from us.

It's a weird world out there, by gum.

Anonymous said...

it has taken me a long time to answer this particularly lothesome post because i have been seeking LORD's face for direction on this issue. i had to reread the post several times before i could begin to understand the depths of evil that you people have sank too. my my my. you foodaddy have discovered new wickedness in this post and seem to delight in its perverseness. even in your commentsa on your own post you revel in its depravtiy by mentioning that you are merely repeating conversations with the Girlfriend. i am sure that the Girlfriend does not read your postings otherwise she would be very angry over this lack of concern about the privacy between her and you. i cannot believe you would be so insensitive to her feelings although she has anger issues as we saw earlier. for this reason, i would hope that if she ever does read this you do not go to see her alone since she will no doubt be waiting with a gun.

the LORD has been speaking with be directly and i have been up late every night since i first read this post. HE has been very clear in directing me and even giving me visions in which i saw all three of you bloggers in torment. this kind of troubles me because all three of you could do great things for the LORD if you only had willing hearts and a desire to do right. obviouslty you do not.

because i found so many naughty things in this post i will have to list them this way.

1. In his secret underground lair: this suggest you are mocking Satan. this is bad.

2. the name of your bad guy is offending to me. change it.

3. hairless chest festooned with heaving man-patties: this might cause women to have unclean thoughts and take their attention from their husbands who they should be serving diligentley. the Bible says to do this.

4. when B******son shakes his narled fist at the sun and sky it is obvious he is actually mocking the LORD. he should be struck down dead.

5. the whole scene between buck and Cassidy should be deleted or at the very very lest edited. it is far to Sexual for readers of any age. also you mention Buck wearing shorts. shorts are immodest and evil attire and should not be worn by anyone anywhere at anytime in front of anyone especially not someone of the opposite Sex.

come on stupid blog writers. you should all be above the depravity that has been on the blog over the past few weeks. if you do not fix your ways God will cause an accident to happen. you will all be judged because of this blog.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Going to be judged? Already have, Brother Anon! Thanks to your diligent efforts, that is. Please keep me in your prayers.

...Although if you have anything valuable in your prayers, you might not want to keep me in there too long. I steal, you know.

Just lookin' out for you.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Anon

you are a filth beetle, a blowfly, and an illiterate dung weasel.

I do thank you for setting me free, though. You have allowed me to fully express this art of insult, you colon polyp, you

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Oh, and he missed a rather important evil idea: polytheism. Buck gives glory to all the "gods that be." That's godS. Plural.


Eeeeeviiiiil.

Anonymous said...

I am ecspecially troubled by the responses my concerned posts generate.

You, Jacob "Pickle Weasel", are like unto the Nicolaetains that the Apostle Paul said he despised. You have turned your back on what is true and holy and God Himself will judge you in the last day. Jesus Christ said that one who called his brother a fool was in danger of hell fire. You have called me so much worse than a fool that my heart is grieved.

Stupid Blogger, you, too are walking a dangerous pathway. You speak flippintly and laugh at the ways of righteousness. May the God of Israel have mercy.

Foo Daddy, I can bearly type your name, it is so offensive. I don't know what a foo is, but I can perceave that it is not something that God would approve of.

As for your father, he should be even more ashamed. He speaks approvingly of your foolishness and your sin. If your mother is living, she must have a difficult life.

I pray that all of you will see the light and return to God before it is eternully to late.

Anonymous

The Stupid Blogger said...

Hmmmm. This Anonymous comment smells fishy to me. First, it sounds kind of like PW's writing and, secondly, there is waaaay too much punctuation and capitalization. Am I right or just overly suspicious? Perhaps Anony finally took my advice and learned a few rudimentary writing skills.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Man, and I tried to misspell stuff, too! It was hard work and obviously not very convincing. I'll have to go back to being blindingly witty.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Aw crap! How'd I miss that? Excxkspecially the way both Nordby and Anonymous separate the Foo from Daddy with a space.

If all this actually has been you, Jacob, then you're a sly devil and deserve credit.

If not...Anonymous? You're a poo.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

I DON'T deserve credit--just ask my esteemed MRS. Weasel.

No, I have not been the former Anonymous, but I have suspected one of you (Foo or Stupid) could be using that veil of anonymity to keep things cracking here.

Anonymous is most definitely a POO. Maybe even a Poo Poo.

The Stupid Blogger said...

Mrs. Weasel. Now that I like...

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

I believe it was Dave Barry who said that you pretty much toss a weasel into any phrase and make it very, very funny.

I've tried it, it works:

crazy weasel sex
weasel butter
slippery weasel
northern cave weasel
poisonous tree weasel
weasel chips
toilet weasel
HOT WEASELS!!


See?

The Stupid Blogger said...

Yeah, I remember that. In fact, you and I tried it one day while driving in the car, along with Jennifer. Actually, you were the only one driving, but we were both making weasel jokes. I recall Jennifer asking us to quit. Which we would. For a while. But then the weasel temptation would be too much to withstand.

I think my favorite weasel joke by Dave Barry was: "Richard Nixon wearing a tie - not funny; Richard Nixon wearing a weasel - funny."