Friday, January 05, 2007
Attack of the Follicle
Well, blogsters, I must have entered a new stage in my life, because I seem to be growing an inordinate amount of nose hair. And not just any nose hair, either. These are large, economy-size nose hairs. They’re also sneaky and swift. I will go to bed at night, free of embarrassing nose-foliage, and will awaken the next morning with a cruise missile protruding from a nostril.
Occasionally, I will forget to remove the uninvited guest and venture out into the public, extra appendage still intact. Just the other day, I went to the airport in this condition and was stopped at security by a large, beefy woman wielding a taser.
“I’m sorry, sir,” she said. “You’re going to have to check your cruise missile at the luggage counter.”
Not only have these nose hairs turned out to be inconvenient, but also down-right dangerous. I was driving last Saturday to pick up my wife from work. While bumbling down the road, I glanced in the rearview mirror and was appalled to see a mammoth hair bounding from my left nostril and cackling with glee. I began exploring the offending follicle, in an attempt to determine how painful it would be to pluck the little blighter, immediately afterwards washing my hands, of course.
As fate would have it (stupid fate), the intruder was firmly entrenched and it was obvious I’d need to bring the big guns to remove it. Just as I looked back at the road, I noticed a car pulling out in front of me.
“What an idiot!” I said. “Doesn’t he know that…”
Then I looked up at the light I was about to pass under and noticed it was red. Well, maybe a deep shade of orange. Anyway, I was obviously very late going through the light and it was only due to my finely honed athleticism and natural agility that I managed to avoid a very nasty collision. I was glad, mostly because it would have been very humiliating to explain the circumstances to the cops.
“Well, sir, I was examining a large nostril hair to see how firmly it was entrenched. Wanna see?”
These new horizons I have been experiencing are all very exciting and I just can’t wait to see what happens next. But whatever new challenges await me, at least I know I’ll be well-armed. Oh, and if any third world countries need a steady supply of cruise missiles...you know where to find me.
Posted by Jack W. Regan at 7:48 PM