Saturday, February 09, 2008

Arguing with Coffee

I've had occasion to mention the effects that caffeine has on Writers. I claim to be one myself, of course, so I've had my share of arguments with the beneficent brown brew.

So there I am, at my job, jobbing it up. I reached over and put one book on top of another. I took a sip of my coffee. I keep it in a clear glass mug until I'm ready to ingest it.

"How about some more?" Coffee said.

"Sure thing!" I said happily. This particular mug of Coffee had been made with the same quantity of grounds that sane people make a whole pot out of.

I swallowed the rest and put the mug down. I tossed a videocassette onto a shelf.

Then I smiled craftily to myself as I put a DVD down next to it.

"Wasn't that just a big satchel of fun?" asked Coffee in his manic, tittering voice.

"Putting that DVD down? Not, uh..."


"Kinda, yeah! Whee!" I said, prancing. I could do this because I was alone.

"You know what'd be fun?" Coffee asked, poking me jovially in the ribs. I waited expectantly.

"You ought to go into the office and get a candy bar!"

"I'm following you so far. What next?"

"Nobody's there, right? No personnel left?"

"Place is empty as Paris Hilton's head."

"Then I suggest we go prance!"


And so then Coffee and I go into the office where I pick up a candy bar and hop-skip around the empty cubicles.

"Well, Coffee, that was fun, but I have to get back to work. You know. Stacking some more things on top of other things before I put them into a bag. Wanna come with?"

"Nah. I'll meet you at home, 'kay?"

So with a smile on my feet and a song in my face, I go back to work. I put a romance novel on the top of a stack of them.

When I get home, I put the Buick I'm borrowing in the garage, and I can tell Coffee is waiting for me at home, because I drop the keys when I try to use them in the deadbolt.

"Ha ha!" Coffee says. "Let's party!"

I'm not in the mood to party, of course, since all the prancing I did at work delayed me, and I was there late.

"Can we not? I'd like to maybe write a post on the Blog, and maybe read some cats. Then...wait...did I just say 'read some cats'?"

"You sure did! Sounds like you're ready to stay up really late! Wanna organize your video game collection?"


"Come on. It'll be fun. And I've got good reasons you should do this, too. Allow me to enumerate: First, if you sit down and put your collection in a pile, it'll look nice and large. This will make you giggle inside."

"Sounds doubtful."

"Nah, wait. There's more. If you take all the games out of that little CD folder thingie, and put 'em back in the boxes they came in, it'll be inconvenient when you want to play one."

"Sounds like a really crappy idea."

"It is! But your friends will see them all in a row, and think you're prosperous. Perhaps presidential material."

"My friends aren't that stupid."

"Sure they are."


It goes back and forth like this, with Coffee suggesting I stay up until 6 A.M. doing moron activities, like playing with the contrast settings on the TV.

"You could do some laundry too. That'd make you feel nice and industrious."

"I don't have any dirty clothes to wash."

"Then go out into the garage and fall down."


"It'll get your clothes dirty, and then you can wash them! Yaaay!"

"This is ridiculous. I'm going to bed."

Coffee does not want to hear this. In fact, this is the last thing Coffee wants. Coffee'd rather I explore the basement some more. Anything to keep me from going to bed so my kidneys can work on him.

Gotta respect self-preservation instincts, so to the basement I go with Coffee, and we vacuum all the little wads of lint out of the dryer. Coffee said it'd make the dryer more efficient, and that it would help protect some baby seals.

"Right then. Sun'll be up soon, and--hey! What's that over there?"

"Never you mind, Coffee. I have to go to bed, or I'm not going to wake up until 5."

"Pansy." Then, continuing in a lisping soprano, "oooh! I have to sleep so I can go harvest fairy dust from my wuss bushes in the morning! I might fall off my marshmallow stool while I'm brushing my unicorn!"

By now, Coffee has becomes sullen and abusive, and I have to shut him down with some aspirin or a boring book. If I wave a copy of Pride and Prejudice around, it stuns him long enough for my kidneys to sneak up on him.

It's bye-bye Caffeine Man until "morning,"when I open the fridge and smell that French Roast. Post-sleep amnesia has done its job admirably. I close the refrigerator door and think "Mmm! Coffee! That'd be real tasty right around 1:00 AM. I'll leave myself a mental note."


Anonymous said...

Great stuff. Made me start doing that wheezy chuckling thing I do so well. Especially love the new national catchphrase "jobbin' it up". Yeah! O job job job jobbity job job...job, jobbery job! Throwin' in a "boj" or two just to keep it fresh.

Jack W. Regan said...

"Wuss bushes." Hehehe. Also, I doubt that Coffee actually cares about baby seals. He's playing you like a fiddle, dude. Is Coffee a he? Oh, right. You said, "Caffeine Man." Although he's so manipulative that he could be a woman. Moohahahaa! I'm just kidding, ladies. Geeeeeez!

Anyway, great post and I surely hope you exaggerated some of this, otherwise you are going to kill yourself. And that would make me so mad that I'd have to kill you. Hmmm...

By the way, did you know that some countries used to have laws that made suicide an offense punishable by death? Seriously! If you failed in the attempt, they'd put you to death. Weird.

That has nothing to do with the post, however, just happened to think of it.

Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

Well, I have to admit that this was some mighty fine reading. It actually made me laugh out loud.
The part where the coffee told you to go and fall down in the garage was my favorite.

Anonymous said...

I really liked this post.

I have tried to witness this very argument. Try as I may it seems that Coffee does not want to argue with you while I am around. I am sure he knows that I will have to throw things at him, instead of the stupid blogger, it that were the case.

I am happy that all the caffeine that Coffee provides has allowed you to do all your prancing...

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Thank you all for your kind words and show of support. Coffee and I are getting along pretty well now. It was always kind of a rocky relationship, but I believe we've found some common grounds, and Coffee doesn't get mugged as often these days.

Okay, that was lame.