Super Tuesday Wrap

Okay, political junkies, it's time to step back and figure out what the heck happened during the big Super Tuesday primary results.

As you all know, there were several candidates running last night, most of whom picked up a few states, with the exception of Ron Paul, whose sole purpose in the race seems to be an attempt to set a record for running the longest futile campaign in history. The record for the most futile campaigns run is already solidly in the Dennis Kucinich column, but because the K-Man has since dropped out, Ron feels this is his year to capture a piece of history.

The big winner for the evening appears to be John McCain, who finally put some distance between himself and his nearest rival. As the poll results began to show him winning, McCain appeared to his supporters and gave a stirring oration late in the evening, promising to bring change, civility, and hair loss back to the White House. "By the way," he said, in closing comments, "did you people know I was a war hero?"

The waiting crowd was taken aback and wished they had known about this sooner, so they could have made a campaign issue out of it.

John Edwards also spoke for a few minutes last night, before remembering that he had already dropped out of the race. He grinned sheepishly and made a quick exit. Cornered by reporters, Edwards openly questioned the intelligence of the voters, who had not given him any victories.

"After all," he said, flicking his bangs to and fro. "I have an accent!"

Mitt Romney's strategy of buying each voter a Porsche hasn't seemed to work as well as expected, although he did manage to capture several states. One of these, oddly enough, was Alaska, a state in which the market for Porches isn't particularly high. Apparently, the residents of the North Country thought the cars were high-tech igloos and, though they found them somewhat impractical, were touched by Romney's generosity. It is also thought that his first name, Mitt, won him points with those most familiar with winter garb.

Hillary Clintoned her way to a big delegate count, although her rival, Barack Obama, managed to win more overall states. "I've always identified with those states that wear overalls," Obama said. "It shows humility and a willingness to work hard in order to ensure that our children, grand-children, great grand-children, great great grand-children, great great great grand-children..."

Little Mike Huckabee provided the big surprise of the evening by announcing that he was actually a closet Catholic. To prove it, he promptly played Ave Maria on the bass guitar (not an easy feat). Nevertheless, he picked up several key victories in the South and even received the endorsement of his wife, who was waiting to make the announcement until Mike finally agreed to take out the trash.

Well, folks, Super Tuesday didn't solve the nomination question for either party. But rest assured that we here at the Blog of Stupid will keep you apprised of all the news that isn't.