Friday, February 08, 2008

Legumes and You

legume[5] There's been a lot of talk on the Blog lately about legumes and I think it's time someone put all this chatter into perspective. Well, okay. There hasn't been a lot of talk about legumes. In fact, there hasn't been a lot of talk about anything on the Blog lately. I just thought I'd provide a seamless segue for my chosen subject.

Why legumes, you ask? Because they are fascinating, that's why! Peanuts, which are nut technically nots, are legumes. And indehiscent legumes at that. Pretty incredible, eh? I'll tell you something else, too. Hey, where are you all going? I was just getting started!

Okay, reader, I guess it's just you and me. Thanks for sticking with me. What's that? Oh, of course. I'll take the handcuffs off as soon as I'm done, here. You have my word on that.


The legume began as a lowly member on the botanical chain and, at first appearance, really hasn't made many strides since the early days. Except that they are more numerous, if only because back in the old days, nobody knew what a legume was and, therefore, couldn't count them.

Nevertheless, it all started with one lonely legume labeled Larry. Now, Larry was a lonely legume and was always trying to join in with other types of fruits and vegetables, but no one would have him.

"Look at you," they would scoff. "Your pod splits open all by itself!"

At this point, Larry got mad and decided to start a third party. He began organizing rallies and conventions. He gave speeches on street corners and handed out pro-legume literature. He drew up petitions, trying to get legislative protection for the rights of all legumes.

Well, sir, it was a long, hard fight, but Larry finally began to see progress. Gradually, others began to do a little self-examination and many found that, unbeknownst to them, they were actually legumes, as well! Soon these enlightened ones began showing up for Larry's rallies. The movement began to grow quickly and received a huge boost when it was decided (over the fierce objection of many botanists) to broaden the definition of "legume" in order to allow some of the fringe groups to join the legume family.

Their numbers thus increased, it wasn't long before the Legume Party began getting nuts elected to public office.

The Legume Party is still active to this day, although they have not yet managed to pass any protective legislation. Billions of their number are savagely devoured every year, with no apology or remuneration to the families. It is the purpose of this post to 1.) humiliate the author and 2.) raise Legume Awareness. It is a standard I shall proudly carry to my final day.

Now, if you'll excuse me, this has made me hungry.


Anonymous said...

I'll bet Larry finally began to see progress because just any kind of gress wasn't gunna cut it! Larry's just that kind of legume. Other kinds of legume are: armgume, toegume and bubblegume in the handy economy pack with a picture of Baby Ruth in full color on a collectible card.

I wanna see more of this fibrous roughage on the blog, even though there are too many commas and not enough comas. So next time your pod splits open, let the legumes arise and be remunerated.

Nuts in public offices? There may be a handful. Some are disguised as a jar with peanut butter and jelly in a swirl arrangement, but that's just to distract you while they empty your pockets.

Jack W. Regan said...

A 'gume economy pack. Now, that would sell out in any Rite-Aid in the country. With or without the collectible card. Well, maybe if it was full color...

Not enough comas? I've been told that most of my posts are comas or, at least, lead to them. And the commas stay.

...but that's just to distract you while they empty your pockets. Hehehe. Very good. Sad when the comments exceed the wit of the actual post.

Jacob Nordby said...

Actually, Stupid Blogger, I have become a less frequent contributor of main pieces lately...however, my follow up to the mindless drivel that you and Foo have posted has been nothing short of comedic gold.

You guys build a nice, bland platform from which to showcase my brilliance! Thank you for that.

You'll continue to see lots of my witty ree-par-tee (French for "partying after you've had sex with animals") that will considerably spice up the basic framework of humor you've provided.

Condescendingly yours,

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

"Getting nuts elected..."

Haw! You is so sneaky, TSB! Stuff like that's always funniest when it comes right in the middle of something "serious".

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Heh! Bubblegume! Not to mention pinegume and other such sappy characters.

Jack W. Regan said...

"You'll continue to see lots of my witty ree-par-tee..."

Thanks for the warning, Peckle Wisle.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately for Tha FooDaddy, the coffee bean, which, while not truly a bean, is not a legume either. It's the stone or seed of a drupe: