Things People Never Say

This could be construed as a copycat version of George Carlin's "Things You Never Want to Hear," but I'll choose to ignore that. This is my stuff, dang it. It could also just as well be titled "Things You Never Hear," but that might include sound effects too. That's not my aim. My aim is to be juuuust annoying enough to keep all you time-wasters from clearing your browser cache and deleting your bookmark.

You DO have us bookmarked, don't you?

Yes? Then let's continue.

If you ever hear anyone you know or love say any of these things, it may be time for you to reconsider your friendship or marriage options. If you happen to catch any of it on tape, any judge would side with you.

Okay. That's harsh. If you hear anyone you know or love say any of these things, then consider yourself lucky for knowing someone so...interesting.

• "Hey! This tastes like cat feet. Here! Try it!"
• Angry, from inside a public bathroom stall: "Green? What the--? They said it was supposed to be purple!"
  
• "Man, you guys get to barf all the time. When do I get my turn?"
• "There are little magic monkeys that live in my cell phone. I feed them grapes!"
• "Sometimes, when I'm driving, I like to pretend that I'm..." longish pause "...Driving."
• While looking down at your pants in a crowded supermarket: (loudly) "Wow! These things are just as comfortable backwards! Where's my calculator?"
• "Y'know, if it weren't for gravity, my eyes woulda been blue, and I coulda had grandma bake me a ferret cake. What? Yes, with yogurt. Hey, Larry? I gotta go. Yep. Pastor's lookin' at me all funny." (click)
• "Wow. Did you see the elbows on that girl? I think I be in love!"
• "He's a nice guy, but he's a little murdery. I think I'll keep my gold elsewhere."
• "Have you seen my cell phone monkeys? Magic? Like grapes..? No? Crap."
• "Y'know what's not nutritious? Carpet samples! No kidding!"
• "Kitten omelet. Buck fifty."

Thanks for indulging me, time-wasters. Now, for your homework assignment, I want you to go out to your favorite public place with a clipboard and stand around. Stare straight ahead, and scratch yourself every minute, on the minute. Wait until you've got a small, curious crowd, and then pick one of these things to say, and say it loudly. You can make up your own, if you'd like, but if you fall down afterwards, you get extra credit!

Don't say ol' Uncle FooDaddy don't look out fer ya.