Friday, February 16, 2007

Rich, Chocolate...Circletine?

Edit: I re-photoshopped the picture to make it weirder. Enjoy!

I'm sure you've all seen the make-ya-wanna-barf commercials for a certain nutritious chocolatesque drink wherein all the childrens are extremely happy to be given the chance to drink it, and their moms discuss how healthy it is. Right? They conclude with the kids whining in unison "More chocolatesque product, please!"

Oh, man I hate childrens. Especially ones that get excited over nutrition. I'd think about buying their drink if the commercials were more like my rendition:

Kid 1: Wow! Playing in the sewers all day sure makes me thirsty!
Kid 2: Yeah! I have diseases now!
Kid 1: How ‘bout we go back to my house?
Kid 3: Your house blows, Rodney.
Kid 2: He’s right! Your dog gave me cancer!
Kid 1: We can all have some rich chocolate Circletine!
Kids 2 and 3: Yay! Let’s go!

Sounds of scampering, shouting, clanging and shattering glass.

Cut to a spacious suburban kitchen. Two women are wandering around in it, putting away groceries and throwing carrots at eachother.

Mom 1: Ow! My eye!
Mom 2: Ha ha!
Mom 1: The kids will be home from the sewers soon. How about we turn off all the lights and pretend we’re not home?
Mom 2: That’s a good idea! I’ll go set fire to the lawn!

The two women hi-five and run to put their plans into action.

The childrens burst into the kitchen through the side door and track in mud, grass clippings, leaves and dog doo.

Kid 1: Mom?
Kid 3: Mom?
Kid 2: I’m itchy, and it’s dark in here.
Kid 1: Mooooommm! Can we have some Circletine?
Kid 3: It’s rich and full of chocolate, vitamins and lemur fur, Mrs. Rodney’s mom!
Kid 1: Forget her. She’s probably doing drugs with your mom, Kid 3!

They all laugh

Kid 2: Here’s the can. Yay! I’ll get some skim milk!

The other two beat the crap out of him

Kid 1: Skim!? That’s nasty!
Kid 3: Yeah. Here’s some butter instead.

The lights come on and the two women enter the room.

Mom 1: You little—!
Mom 2: Be careful with the microwave, childrens!
Mom 1: Roll your musty little friend out onto the porch, will you?
Kid 1: Can we have some rich chocolate Circletine when we’re done?
Mom 1: Hell no!
Mom 2: Of course!
Kids 1 and 3: Yay! Circletine!

Of course, it's not likely that any company interested in making money will air a commercial like that, but I've got my fingers crossed and my wallet ready.


Anonymous said...

Proving once again that behind (or beneath, I can never recall which) all great comedy is rage, sweet rage.

I'm not even sure how to pronounce "chocolatesque", and I love this Clio-garnering spot already. It's gritty, it's verismo, it's life in Grand Rapids in so many regrettable ways, except that we could never afford lawn clippings of our own, of course.

Now all we have to do is rehearse this baby until we can get it down to 30 seconds.

Anonymous said...

Good photo, too, and it reminds me of I don't know what. Spanky something.

Hey, wait, that's my glass!

Jack W. Regan said...

Now, this is funny! You've got a video cam, Foo. We should make commercials parodying various well-known products and post those on the Blog.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Yeah! And we could interview eachother too! I've actually been planning a self-interview where I dress one way, record one half, dress another and record the other half. Put it all together in editing.

It's a work in progress. I've got Adobe Premiere Elements, which is a pretty nice video editing program.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Oh, and as for the photo, the chocolate beverage I'm holding was chocolatified in Photoshop. I didn't have any Circletine or Heresy's or Nestle's Quack or anything. How lame is that?

Jack W. Regan said...

Also, I want to point out that Foo has robbed me of my goal to write post # 150. Hooray for Foo! Let's all cheer! (I hate him.)

Jack W. Regan said...

Oooh! Interviews! Yes...we could portray all sorts of useless celebrities, being interviewed by well-meaning, but obviously desperate, hosts.

Jack W. Regan said...

"Of course, it's not likely that any company interested in making money will air a commercial like that."

I'm going to have to disagree with that. I'd definitely buy this product if they aired that kind of commercial. Even if I never used it. Of course, I'm also a weirdo.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Just because a man likes to adorn hisself with fine frippery does not have any bearing on his sexual orientation.

Okay. Maybe it does.

Quiet, Nordby.

Anonymous said...

Where might I, a modest and very average American, obtain and otherwise purchase this Circletine food product? I've developed a powerful thirst for it and must have some, or expire. Perhaps both. With a side of wombat chips.

The Power of Advertising.

Anonymous said...

Other great minds which came before us have pondered on (and in) the circularity of a certain rich elliptical chocolatey food drink beverage. Listen to a short clip of commercial radio tomfoolery featuring serial radio hero Captain Daybreak, featuring the redoubtable Willard Scott (yes, THAT Willard Scott) and brought to you by... guess what?

Anonymous said...