Friday, January 05, 2007

Attack of the Follicle

Well, blogsters, I must have entered a new stage in my life, because I seem to be growing an inordinate amount of nose hair. And not just any nose hair, either. These are large, economy-size nose hairs. They’re also sneaky and swift. I will go to bed at night, free of embarrassing nose-foliage, and will awaken the next morning with a cruise missile protruding from a nostril.

Occasionally, I will forget to remove the uninvited guest and venture out into the public, extra appendage still intact. Just the other day, I went to the airport in this condition and was stopped at security by a large, beefy woman wielding a taser.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she said. “You’re going to have to check your cruise missile at the luggage counter.”

Not only have these nose hairs turned out to be inconvenient, but also down-right dangerous. I was driving last Saturday to pick up my wife from work. While bumbling down the road, I glanced in the rearview mirror and was appalled to see a mammoth hair bounding from my left nostril and cackling with glee. I began exploring the offending follicle, in an attempt to determine how painful it would be to pluck the little blighter, immediately afterwards washing my hands, of course.

As fate would have it (stupid fate), the intruder was firmly entrenched and it was obvious I’d need to bring the big guns to remove it. Just as I looked back at the road, I noticed a car pulling out in front of me.

“What an idiot!” I said. “Doesn’t he know that…”

Then I looked up at the light I was about to pass under and noticed it was red. Well, maybe a deep shade of orange. Anyway, I was obviously very late going through the light and it was only due to my finely honed athleticism and natural agility that I managed to avoid a very nasty collision. I was glad, mostly because it would have been very humiliating to explain the circumstances to the cops.

“Well, sir, I was examining a large nostril hair to see how firmly it was entrenched. Wanna see?”

These new horizons I have been experiencing are all very exciting and I just can’t wait to see what happens next. But whatever new challenges await me, at least I know I’ll be well-armed. Oh, and if any third world countries need a steady supply of cruise know where to find me.


Anonymous said...

this blog just gets worse and worse. discussions of bodily hair is vulgar and so not godley. also, you made fun of large people woking in the security field. they provide a good service. and overweight people should not be ridiculed. you also mentioned foliage. this can be constrewed as being sexual in nature as well as the word follicle. what next!!!!!!! soon I will feel guilty just visiting this socalled funny blog. I used to think you were different stupid blogger, but now I see you are just as bad as the others, maybe worse. i'll be praying for you.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

I 'bout lost some teeth laughing over "nose foliage".

Just wait 'til you get ear hair too! Won't that be fun? All the prodding and tweezing you'll get to do. And the little electric appliances you'll get to shop for!

Hey. Anonymous.


How 'bout them apples?

Jack W. Regan said...

Wow, Anon. That's about all I can say. Wow.

Anonymous said...

Must be a tom[ahawk] Cruise missile. Must notify Katie at once..

otilius said...

if only I didn't know what you were talking about...

Happy New Year!

Jack W. Regan said...

You know what, FD'sFD, I believe you're right. For some reason, I was thinking it was supposed to be capitalized, but on further research (actually, the only research, since I didn't bother to check prior), it's not! If I had said Tomahawk cruise missile, it would have been right. Kinda like calling a ship by name "USS Hornet" or just saying "ship." Anyway, I have edited my post. And for those of you just now reading it...never mind.

Pauline Evanosky said...

And, as you get even older the texture of the hair on your head (if it hasn't fallen out) gets coarser. I won't say what sorts of hairs they resemble, but it isn't fun to think about.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

I would also like to let Brother Anonymous know that I listen to music with cuss wurds in it.

All the time.

With my grandmother.

Is this something I should be concerned about?

Hey! Maybe we could all do a segment (post) called "Ask Brother Anonymous!" and we could all post serious (snort!) questions to him and answer 'em like he would.

This just keeps getting better and better.

Anonymous said...

Hands you the tweezers - you know what you have to do !