Monday, January 29, 2007

Riding Red in the Hood

So, dudes, I’m, like, walkin’ through this freakin’ forest. Ya’ know, with lots o’ trees and crap like that. It’s kind of a dangerous joint, kinda like rainforest meets ghetto and I’m feelin’ a little nervous ‘bout bein’ alone an’ vulnerable. Whoa, like, hold the friggin’ phone, people. I just used a totally ragin’ word. Didja hear it? I said…uh…. Well, anyway, there I was mindin’ my own schnozz, when this huge bugaboo, like a wolfy kind o’ creature, comes borglin’ out of an alleyway and stands in front o’ me wid this totally creepy look on his mug.

“Gimme your money or I’ll chew off your arm,” he says ta’ me. I decided he was feelin’ hostile.

“Like, shove it, you freak o’ nature,” I says. “The asylum closes at midnight.” I could tell he’s ticked off ‘bout that and he starts snarlin’ and makin’ these weird guttural (there I go again, like, whoa!) noises in his throat.

“Gimme your money or I’ll chew off your arm,” he says again. This time he says it a bit louder and the growlin’ gets deeper down in his throat.

“Don’t get your panties in a wad,” I says. “Ain’t comfy.”

He, like, glares at me and, I ain’t makin’ this up, blushes. “You keep my delicates outta this,” he says, and stomps his foot. “Gimme your money or…”

“Yeah, yeah,” I says. “You’ll chew off my arm. Look, wouldn’t ya rather have this basket o’ goodies I’m carryin’? Maybe follow me home and eat my grandma?”

The wolf looks interested. “Grandmother?”

“Yeah, ya’ know,” I says. “Old lady, white hair, glasses, kindly, great cook, plump…”

“Plump?” The wolf’s eyes light up. He’s diggin’ this.

“Totally,” I says. “I wouldn’t lie ta’ yous.”

The wolf licks his chops and it occurs ta’ me that maybe I shouldn’t o’ given him that kinda information. But, it’s totally late for worryin’, so I lead the wolf ta’ granny’s pad and knock on the door. She opens the door and acts all happy ta’ see me and even invites in the wolf. Because the old bat ain’t wearin’ her glasses, she thinks it’s a new friend o’ mine.

Soon she learns her mistake, when she puts on her specs and sees this slobberin’ wolf gazin’ at her wid a look o’ hunger.

“Whoa, dude,” she says, “those are some kinda ears ya’ got there. Meanin’ no disrespect.”

“None taken,” says the wolf. “I just keep ‘em around so I’se can hear ya’ better.”

“Well, then ya’ got big eyes, too,” says granny.

“The better ta' see ya’ with,” says the wolf.

“Huge fangs, there,” says granny.

The wolf gives out a big howl and rubs his tum. “I’m gonna, like, so eat you up!” he says.

Well, granny gives a shriek and tries ta’ make it out the door, but the wolf snags her by the apron and drags her back. I turn around so I can’t see dis part, but I can tell by the belches that granny must’a been good eatin’.

‘Bout this time, the door flies open and a woodsman stands there wid an axe.

“Unhand the old broad,” he says, showin’ no class whatsoever.

The wolf belches again and smiles kinda smug. “Ain’t gonna do it,” he says. “I done ate her and that’s that, ya’ has-been.”

This remark makes da’ woodsman ticked off an’ he whacks the wolf with his axe, cuts him clean open, he does. Granny spills out on the floor, filthy, but none the worse for wear, and throws herself on the woodsman.

“I want ya,” she says, “like, right now!”

I don’t wanna see the rest o’ this, so I heads outside and goes home, takin’ the basket o’ goodies wid me. Granny’s got treats of her own.


Jack W. Regan said...

This has got to be one of the weirdest posts ever on this Blog. I'm almost ashamed of myself.

Raymond Betancourt said...

Weird is good. It's kind of how I imagine Quentin Tarantino would tell a fairy tale to his kids.

Jack W. Regan said...

PW, I said I was almost ashamed of myself. But not quite.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

I like it! Except for the "granny's got treats of her own" bit. Makes me nervous.

Jack W. Regan said...

Granny's a happenin' gal. But, yeah. It's creepy.