Elly-vators

The elevator door opened and I started in, only to stop and step aside when I saw someone exiting. I smiled and nodded, as is my custom, but they did not return my silent salutation. I thought nothing of it and proceeded into the elevator.

When I stepped inside, I realized why the previous traveler had ignored me and also knew it was going to be a long trip to the second floor. The place reeked like a steamy night aboard a fish trawler. The odor was so strong that the varnish had been stripped from the wood interior and sections of the paneling were warping outward, dislodging screws and the remains of ancient spiders.

Glancing down at my arm, I was startled to observe the hair slowly turn a toxic shade of green. Just then, my nostrils closed and my lungs began to constrict. Assuming the fetal position, I dropped to the floor of the elevator in search of a single breath of oxygen.

I heard the “ding” of the floor indicator and rose to anxiously await the rush of fresh air that would accompany the opening of the doors. Open they did and I made a mad dash for freedom, only to pass a woman who was obviously on her way to a modeling session.

I glanced back as the elevator doors closed to see her fixing me with an expression probably reserved for phlegm and the residue found on boots after a hike through a dairy farm. I raised my hands with an attitude of innocence. Unwisely, she sniffed in disdain. And promptly passed out.

* * *

Has this ever happened to you, Blogsters? The preceding story is true, in a general, false sort of way, and it only cemented my aversion to elevators. There is always the danger of what I just mentioned (you already forgot?), but there are many other hazards of elevator travel. With this in mind, I thought it would be wise to go prepared the next time you have occasion to use one and found this list on the Innernet that might help toward that goal.

How to Annoy People on Elevators

• Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
• Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.
• Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.
• Bring a chair along.
• Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.
• Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
• Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
• Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
• Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
• Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attempt to cross you.
• Hug yourself.
• Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with your eyes darting around the elevator.
• If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
• Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa the Great Chief and begin telling stories of your native island.
• Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
• Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
• Meow occasionally.
• Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board.
• Offer hitman services.
• Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.
• Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.
• Preach about the end of the world.
• Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
• Read a book upside down.
• Say "Ding!" at each floor.
• Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
• Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.
• Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
• Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”
• Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.
• Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.
• Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
• Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
• Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
• Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.
• When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
• When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.”
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
• When the elevator reaches another passenger’s floor, scream and collapse in front of the door.
• When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
• While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “hide it...quick!” then whistle innocently.
• Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.