Thigh Masters and other Stupid Scams

"...so anyway, pick up that phone right now and dial the TOLL FREE number on your screen. For ONLY 4 easy payments of $39.99, the ThighMaster 2000 will be shipped DIRECTLY to your doorstep..."

This amazing offer caused me to break free from the strings of dried drool and peel my face away from the couch where I'd fallen asleep during the Truly Last & Final Goodbye of That 70's Show. I slowly sat up, shook my head a few times (not a good idea, as it turned out) and tried to open my eyes. All three attempts failed, so I collapsed backward and just allowed the wonderful, golden words of the pitchman wash over me.

"...did you know that by only using the ThighMaster 2000 for 5 minutes per month, you can look like Stephanie here?" (I REALLY tried to open my eyes, because I'll bet Stephanie was a stone cold goddess!) "...it's true. In fact, the ThighMaster 2000 is so effective that you can even eat your favorite foods while you use it. Look over here, this is Julie and she's eating a triple bacon Velveeta burger while she just burns the fat away. It's amazing, it's true and you can own it right now..."

I reached down and felt around at my thighs. Turns out, they weren't too bad, but I still wanted the ThighMaster 2000 because both Julie and Stephanie's pictures would probably come on the box. And who wouldn't want to burn fat while eating a triple bacon Velveeta burger?

These scams would be sad if they weren't just so funny. You can readily tell who is a late night TV watcher (and also a heavy credit card user) by trolling garage sales on a Saturday morning. Why, one dear lady I met owned THREE ThighMaster 2000's, two Amazing, Magical Pasta Pots, a MegaSize George Foreman NoFat Grill, two sets of Eversharpe lifetime guaranteed serrated knives, the whole collection of ButtBlasters exercise videos (it appeared that they worked, because she had quite possibly the blasted-est butt I had ever seen--and I don't mean that in a teenage boy's fantasy way, either!), five sets of specially tinted wrap-around FishAssassin sunglasses, porcelain figurines too numerous to count and the whole collection of Love Songs Thru The Ages. I think she was offering the whole sordid, steaming pile for just ONE easy payment of $39.99.