Friday, June 30, 2006


I could never be a model.

It's not like I've got some kind of moral objection to selling my body to the fashion industry. Nor is it my lack of appeal, or because I've got any extra nipples, or my addiction to sody pop.

It's because I'm too goofy. The agency would never make any money offa me, and I'd annoy them further by stealing doughnuts. During runway shows.

Do male models have anything to do with runways? I'll have to look that up sometime. If I were actually trying to make a point, I'd have done my research before setting out to write this post. But that's not what this Blog is for. It's for buggin' people.

Now, back to my point. Which was something about me being too screwy to make a good model. A typical photoshoot would go something like this:

"Oh, it's my pleasure to meet you, Mr. FooDaddy! Now, if I could have you--"
"Hey! Is that a Canon Rebel?"
"No, this is a Minolta. If you could--"
"Wow, check this out! A robe! And there's a doughnut in the pocket! Score."
"Yes, we had that flown in special for you. Please, sir, if you'd only, uh...FooDaddy? Could you save the doughnut for after the shoot?"
"Never mind. You finished?"
"Yes. What can I do for you, Gerard?"
"My name is Howard. Our client is very serious about their product, and we're going to need you to display the appropriate gravity. Something like a Peter Jennings or Walter Cronkite. But with that twenty-something energy!"
"Newscaster meets skate punk?"
"I'll go get my rubber hamsters."
"Your...what? I, uh...what?"

"Seriously, Gerard, you're going to need to work with me, or nobody's going home happy."
"Please. Call me FooDaddy. It's my pseudonym."
"I'm going to have to ask you to put your pants back on, please FooDaddy."
"And quit chewing on my film stock!"

It'd only get worse from there. There'd be the lawsuits, the offers from the doughnut companies which would help offset all the lawsuits and the eventual descent into obscurity and subsequent sody pop binges. I'd be a horrible model.

Now, if I could get a job being professionally annoying, I'd be all set. Actually, depending on your point of view, there are plenty of jobs out there that offer just such a chance. I could work for a cable television company, or I could be a Blogger.

See how I brought that around full circle? We call that "poetic justice" where I come from. Nobody's terribly bright where I come from.

I'm not exactly sure how to end this post, except to demand that you look at the picture, and think of funny captions for each separate image. Why should you do it? Because I've got work to do. Just got a call from someone in Muskegon who needs to be bugged, and I've got some driving to do!

1 comment:

Jack W. Regan said...

Okay, here goes. I am giving the pics captions going left to right, first top row, then bottom.

1. “Why, no, Willard. I’d never steal your copy of Nuns of Nudity Attack Grand Central Station.
2. “Or did I?”
3. “Hey, good-lookin’, you gonna eat that last lima bean?”
4. “Please, yer honor! I dinna mean to run over your gran’ daughtah. Come on, it’s only mah first offense!”
5. “Oh, my gosh! Is that your real face!?”
6. “Am I being annoying yet? Huh? Am I, huh? Good.”