Monday, December 13, 2010

Letters to Craig

December 9, 2010, 8:02 AM

Dear Swine,

Season's greetings to you, my good man, and I hope this letter finds you in good health! I would like to congratulate you on your recent work on bringing this Blog up to code, although I am a bit dismayed at your dismissal of my suggestion that you cease and desist. I will honor this request, and leave your login credentials unmolested.

In the meantime, I have an idea for a new Crispy the Lion story that I would like to run by you. Introducing Stabby the Mongoose: he is a troubled creature with murder on his mind. He is angry and he wants revenge--until Crispy the Lion comes along and reminds him that the best things in life aren't stabby.

Stabby sees Crispy's irrefutable logic in this, and agrees to become wholesome and huggable because of Crispy's Special Message.

It would be a good one to run for the holidays, as it has a Special Message.

Looking forward to your reply and your input,
--Paul



December 9, 2010, 9:13 AM

Dear Honky,

Your letter did indeed find me in good health, but I regret to inform you that it did not leave me in the same. The hot wax you used to seal the envelope scorched both of my pinky fingers most obscenely. This will prove to be a detriment, I fear, to the way in which I drink my tea, as I am currently unable to extend them without intense pain. As a man of iron will and vast fortitude, I attempted to ignore the agony but my piercing squeals drew the ire of the restauranteur, and I'm afraid I am no longer welcome at that particular Bob Evans.

I digress.

To answer your question, I'm terribly sorry, but you are going to have to repeat it as I was unable to concentrate due to the deleterious effect my recent injuries had on my attention.

Distressingly yours,
--Craig.

P.S.: Would it be too much of an inconvenience to ask you to use a non-serif font next time? I would like to avoid further damage to my digits, and those serifs are mighty pointy.



December 9, 2010, 2:02 PM

Dear Swine,

Regarding the injury you allegedly suffered at the hands, as it were, of my last missive...I fail to understand how that could have happened. It was an email, you see, and no wax at all was involved. Nonetheless, I have read that the topical application of extract of the aloe vera plant has a soothing effect on minor burns.

Also difficult to understand is how you were able to miss the description of my post idea, written down as it was, in a non-volatile medium. But since I'm not here to solve mysteries but to provide high-quality entertainment to the undiscerning masses, I shall sum it up:

Crispy the Lion befriends Stabby the Mongoose and teaches him, through a Special Message, that the good things in life are not stabby, but wholesome and huggable.

Regards,
--Paul

P.S.: A little, yes.



December 10, 2010, 5:23 AM

Dear Honky,

I must apologize for the lengthy delay between this letter and my last, but I have been in the hospital since ingesting the aloe vera extract you suggested. I will give you the benefit of the doubt here, but I would hope you do some perfunctory research on your remedies the next time you suggest one. As it turns out, aloe vera extract does very little to soothe burns, but it makes an excellent laxative.

As a result, I scarcely need to mention, I am no longer welcome at another Bob Evans restaurant. You staggering ass.

Your ideas regarding stabbing geese are thoroughly reprehensible. I can envision a small and sweaty subset of our audience finding such things amusing, but I would prefer we do not go that route.

I can only assume you were offering the idea in jest in an attempt to be droll. I look forward to your next serious idea.

Reprehensibly yours,
--Craig




December 10, 2010, 12:32 PM

Dear Swine,

Once again, you appear to have allowed your illiteracy to cloud your understanding of my recent communique. Less of it.

Furthermore...what? I never mentioned a goose. Not goose one did I mention! Nor did I tell you to eat the aloe vera! I said distinctly that it was a "topical application." In this case, it is you, sir, who are a stumbling bottom.

Yes, I said it. A stumbling bottom.

I will forge ahead with my post idea, with or without a green light from you. I trust that your better judgement will find it amusing, once it gets back from vacation.

Fewer regards than last time,
--Paul




December 10, 2010, 1:02 PM

Dear Honky,

Gasp! First you try to poison me with your sticky death plants and your horrible ideas, and now you're describing me in terms that could only be described as "monumentally unfriendly"? Outrageous! The only thing more alarming than your behavior is your prudish avoidance of adult language. "Bottom" indeed.

Uncomfortably lingeringly yours,
--Craig




December 10, 2010, 1:04 PM

Dear Swine,

Fuck fuckitty fuck fuck damn. Poo tits ass.

Rapidly diminishing regards,
--Paul



December 10, 2010, 1:07 PM

Honky,

Real mature. Also, note the lack of "dear" in my greeting. May you never find enough blankets to keep you warm in the howling void left by that omission.

Leeringly yours,
--Craig




December 10, 2010, 1:10 PM

Swine,

Two can play at this ludicrous game! You, sir, are an inflatable polymer donkey filled with unpleasant thoughts and the bottom burps of crazy men.

Only a single regard,
--Paul




December 10, 2010, 1:10 PM

Honky,

No, YOU are.




December 10, 2010, 1:11 PM

Swine,

No, YOU are.




December 10, 2010, 1:12 PM

Honky,

Noooo, YOU are.


2 comments:

FooDaddy's FooDaddy said...

They are stumbling bumbleweeds.

Craig Hart said...

This is almost precisely how all of our conversations go. They start out civil, almost cordial, and then steadily deteriorate.

In short, I laughed much. Then I felt dirty, so I printed it out and burned it. But I still liked it. Damn!