The Great Romance

You know, people love themselves. I mean, they really love themselves. I know this is so, because I am a people and I think I am awesome. I am also insightful and honest, not to mention humble.

The fact that people are madly in love with themselves is clearly seen every day. I work with the public on a regular basis and these egomaniacal, hedonistic bipeds are always in plentiful supply. For example, they will come up to the desk and ask a question in the most nebulous manner possible and then become irate when I misunderstand their intent.

Winter is one of the worst times, because minor illness is rampant and people love to talk about how sick they are. Last year we had a patron come into the library where I work who was apparently at Death’s door. She dragged into the building, coughing and sniffling, and struggled up to the desk.

“I am sooo sick,” she wheezed, placing grubby, germ-infested hands on the counter top. “Bronchitis, the flu, and a double dose of the common cold all wrapped into one. I’ve never been so ill.”

I just looked at her and thought, Then what are you doing here? If you feel that bad, you should either be at the hospital or home in bed, not infecting the rest of the population. But that is just the point. She loved herself so much she was sure no one else in the world had ever been so sick. It wasn’t enough to be sick. Oh no. She had to let everyone know she was sick so she could get sympathy and have people fawn over her. She did not get her wish at my branch, let me tell you.

Similar examples show up all throughout daily life. George Carlin points out that people who drive slower than we do are “idiots” and those who drive faster are “maniacs.” “There’s certainly nobody going my speed!” he adds. Carlin makes an excellent point, which is less about driving and more about the fact that we all think everyone else is doing something wrong, particularly when it causes even the slightest bit of inconvenience.

I, of course, am the exception. I always assume I am the problem and take steps to remedy the situation. For example, if I am on the road and some fucking moron gets in my way, I always assume he has somewhere more important to go and I pull off onto the shoulder of the highway to let him pass. Then I beat myself with a tire iron so I will not forget this valuable lesson.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a healthy sense of self-worth. That is, in fact, essential. I have such great self-esteem that I will routinely write songs to myself or long dissertations extolling my virtues. There must, however, be a balance. To get too wrapped up in oneself introduces the dangers I have already mentioned, i.e. becoming an asshole. I recommend you all stay vigilant. And keep a tire iron handy just in case.