Thursday, November 15, 2007
Orbital Rambling; The Old Man in Space
In a landmark mission undertaken last week by the private aerospace agency, Stunned Owl Labs' Aerospace Research, an Old Man was put into deep orbit. Project GEEZER went green on Tuesday, and has so far been a stunning success. GEEZER, which stands for Geriatric Eccentric Extraterrestrial Zoological Extended Reconnaissance, seeks to study the effects of space travel on the old and crusty.
Zero-G bitching and orbital rambling are two of GEEZER’s target areas.
The ship, GEEZER 2, is powered by the revolutionary Hadron Collider Drive (basically a miniaturized particle accelerator with a form of atomic supercharger powered by ointment). Its sister ship, GEEZER 1, was taken out of commission a year earlier due to extensive cane damage to its heat shielding and denture bite-marks on the reactor housing.
In an exclusive audio recording taken just days ago in the ship’s onboard laboratory, we are given insight into this fascinating study:
Old Man: Whut's this can run on, eh? Devilfire? Terlet water? Hey! Git that pokestick away from me!
(Cane whomping noises)
Researcher: Ow! We just need to take your temperature, sir.
Old Man: Last feller tried that doctor buggery on me ended up in the 'firmary with a bust foot, y'eddicated bandersnatch.
Researcher: It's not like that any more, sir. This instrument goes in your ear. It only takes a few seconds, and is totally noninvasive.
Old Man: Y'think you kin git yer Satan-sticks in m'coal chute if'n y'bamboozle me with yer fancy book-chatter? Not likely, son. I'mma git me some grits and yell at the sparrows. You an' the resta the moon monkeys kin poke each other with yer therma-hoosits all y'want.
(Sound of dentures floating away)
Old Man: Consarn it!
Researcher: Sir, we are in geosynchronous orbit twelve-thousand miles above the Earth's surface. You won't be able to see any sparrows.
Old Man: Nunna you shiny-panted sky hooligans packed any?
Researcher: Packed any...sparrows?
Old Man: Fiddlesticks!
Researcher: Please sir. If you'd just hold still for five seconds, you can go back to your chair. I only need to record your body temperature for today.
(Sound of slipper hitting the bulkhead)
Old Man: Newtfarts, you do! That other feller, the one with the fat head 'n' the glowing devil typewriter did it on the yester!
(Sound of thrashing)
Researcher: Please come back here, sir!
(Sound of slipper hitting flesh)
Old Man: Naw!
After this exchange, reports indicate that The Old Man spent the next six hours floating around in the cargo hold swearing at boxes, and was only induced to return to his cabin when researchers, using a blowtorch, cut the hinges off the locked door and promised him he could have some ice cream.
Posted by Paul FooDaddy Brand at 2:12 PM