Sunday, February 18, 2007

Infomercial



Host: Hello! I’m the FooDaddy. You might remember me from such posts as “Scruffy Love 4” and that one about instant messaging! I’m here to introduce a product I’m sure you’ll all want and need. Why don’t you tell us about it, Uncle Sticky?

Uncle Sticky strides purposefully onto the stage, past the host and the product display case, and right off the other side of the stage.

Host: Wait! Over here!

Uncle Sticky: (from off screen) What? Hey! Where’s my car?

Host: Ha ha! A brilliant inventor, a dedicated servant of science and society, and a comedian on top of it all! Let’s have a hand for Uncle Sticky!

Uncle Sticky wanders back onstage and shuffles up to the host.

Sticky: Hey. You’re that one feller. That guy that…wait. Why you gots all my patented Duck Wash on that shelfa yers?

Host: Ha ha!

Sticky: Seriously, son. That amounts t’burglary! I’ll have you—

Host: (cutting in) Why don’t you tell the home audience what your product can do? Uncle Sticky’s Ultra-Strength Duck Wash will have those mallards gleaming like a freshly waxed Mercedes Benz!

Sticky: That’s a load of sparrowfart! Ducks don’t gleam sir!

Host: Sparkle?

Sticky: More like it! Right then. How many times have you said to yourself, “I likes me ducks, but, blimey, they could be cleaner!”? Well, if you’re like me, it was about five to eight times a day. Then I says to m’self, I says: Uncle Sticky, you could change that! Then I sets out to make the best dang duck wash one could buy!

Host: And so you did! Let’s just take a look at Stage One here. Uncle Sticky? Why don’t you demonstrate for our audience?

Audience cheers

Sticky: Shut up, all of yer! This is a delicate process, it is! Ducks is sensitive creatures, and the last thing they need is a buncha yahoos hollerin’ and carrying on!

Audience quiets

Sticky: That’s better. Where’s me test duck?

Host: (pulling an excessively crud-covered duck from a wooden crate) Right here! This fellow is covered with dust, bits of corn and transmission fluid. Viewers, you might be saying to yourself “Why, FooDaddy! That duck’s shot! You’ll never get it back to its original shine and luster!” But you’re wrong!

Sticky: That’s because they’re a buncha thieving bums! (he shakes a couple of fists at the camera)

Host: Ha ha!

Sticky: Gimme that duck!

Duck: Wonk!

Sticky: That’s enough outta you, Harold. You want your Twinkies or not?

Duck: Wonk!

Sticky: ‘E’s a good test duck, FooDaddy, but y’gotta be firm with ‘em. A man can’t let the ducks tell ‘im what t’do, so ‘e can’t!

Host: Most definitely. Now, what you’re going to do now is begin the first stage of a three stage cleaning process. The first one simply removes the outer layer of grime in preparation for more in-depth cleansing.

Sticky: Right then. You take the big can with the number 1 on it, and you adds it to some warm water. Where’s me warm water?

An attractive woman lugs a washtub full of water onto the stage, smiles at the camera, and walks off again

Sticky: Whoa.

Host: (smugly) Yep.

Sticky: First, you use the included measuring scoop, and toss in some of this here Stage One whatever-it-is. (he does this) And then you slosh it about, like so. (he does this too) And when it’s good and mixy, you dunk your duck in! (he dunks the duck into the tub)

Duck: Wonk!

Host: Impressive.

Sticky: You see how the layer of cruddies just falls right off of him? Oh, yeah. It took me weeks to get this right. Lookit them suds! You don’t want to know how many ducks I went through before I got it.

Host: Probably not!

Audience laughs

Sticky: Shut up!

Duck: Wonk!

Sticky: Now that the special abrasives and cleansing agents and other tomfoolery’s got him clean enough, you go to Stage Two!

Host: (lifts what appears to be a paint roller off the display shelf) This ingenious device is a combination applicator and grooming device. First you connect the bottle of Duck Polish here…

The attractive woman carries a bottle the size of a can of hairspray out onto the stage, smiles at the host, and sets it down in front of Uncle Sticky.

Sticky: Whoa.

Host: (smugly) Yep.

Sticky: Right then. As you were saying, you take this here rubber hose and connect the bottle of Duck Polish to the applicator. (he does this) The pump’s in the handle here, and only takes two D batteries.

Host: Included!

Duck: Wonk!

Sticky: Then, what y’do is, you start the pump with this switch here. (he does this) Then, once it’s primed, you just roll across your duck, see, with the grain of ‘is feathers.

Uncle Sticky applies the paint roller to the duck, which immediately takes on a lustrous shine wherever the roller touches it.

Host: That’s amazing!

Audience applauds

Sticky: Quiet, all of yer!

Duck: Wonk!

Sticky: See ‘ow he sparkles? I says to myself, I says, “Sticky, that there is a sparkleduck! Sparkleducks is purty, and they gains more market value cuzza they sparkleness! You, son, are a genius!”

Host: Very true.

Sticky: I’mma put this duck on the turntable here, so that this audience of yours can see 'is sparkletude.

Host: That’s a very good idea!

He steps in front of the display and points at the slowly revolving duck as the camera zooms in on its gleaming plumage.

Sticky: Get away from me duck!

Host: Ha ha!

Sticky: Once ‘es dried off, you’re ready for what I likes to call Stage Three.

Host: Because three comes after two!

Duck: Wonk!

Sticky: Tell that strumpet of yours to bring me Duck Sealant out here!

The attractive woman strides onstage and presents the host with an aerosol can with “Stage Three” printed on it, smiles at the camera, and sashays back off again.

Sticky: Whoa.

Host: (smugly) Yep.

Sticky: This here’s the final stage, so called on account of it’s being the last one.

Host: Genius!

Sticky: Now, you might be wondering about now that you’ve got your duck all sparkly-like, how’re you gonna make sure ‘e stays that way? Well, that’s where me patented Duck Sealant comes in! You just spray the blighter liberally with it, makin’ sure you don’t gets it in ‘is eyes, and before you can say “hey you kids! Get your grubby hands off me ducks!” yer finished!

Host: And this locks in the shine?

Sticky: Sparkle.

Host: Sparkle?

Sticky: Yep! C’mon, Harold. Let’s get outta here and get us some Twinkies!

Duck: Wonk!

Uncle Sticky shuffles offstage with the duck under his arm to raucous applause.

Host: You might expect to pay upwards of a hundred dollars for such a system!

Sticky: (from offscreen) Ha!

Host: But it’s yours for only three easy payments of $33! Call the number on your screen to order Uncle Sticky’s Ultra-Strength Duck Wash! Operators are standing by.

Television powers off.

12 comments:

The Stupid Blogger said...

Wonk!

foofan said...

I giggled myself squatless.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

"Sparkleduck" would be a good name for a band.

The Girlfriend said...

if i buy a jug of duck wash do i get a free duck butt buffer?

The Stupid Blogger said...

From Uncle Sticky? I doubt it!

Me likey this post. I think, once we figure out how to stream audio on here, Foo should read it aloud.

Ryan said...

lol good post!

I laughed everytime the duck "wonked" :D Great pick me up at work

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Thanks Ryan! And for a limited time only, we're offering an extra can of Duck Sealant for only $.99! Call now!

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Unfortunately for you, The Girlfriend, you'd have to buy the complete set in order to obtain the Buffer for free. Otherwise, it's available as an add-on for fifty ducks.

Bucks. I mean bucks.

food addy said...

Ace Ventura's hairstyle, if the term applies, is an extreme example of what used to be called a "duck's butt", correct?

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

That's my own duck picture, too. I dinna steal it from the Interweb.

Jacob Nordby said...

food addy

I believe that the more commonly (thus, more correct) term for that hairdo was Duck's Ass or DA for short. Please correct your terminology in the future.

foofan said...

Don't care!

GIMME THAT DUCK!

--WONK!