Saturday, November 24, 2007

The Hardass Rescues a Kitten

The Hardass clumped down the gritty centerline of Downtown’s coldest street. Snow blew into his face and some of it collected in his crags. He hated it for this, and punched each flake as it descended with his innate hairy power.

“Damn snow. Poofy and sparkly. Hate it.” He pushed onward, fantasizing about nuclear ordnance.

“Mister! Hey, mister!” squealed a small child. The small child was obviously distraught.

“What the damn do you want?” grunted the Hardass. The small child was about the size of one of his giant, metal-flaked boots. He leaned down to inspect it. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

“My kitten! He’s stuck in a tree!” The small child pointed to a maple tree with a kitten in it.

“Damn,” growled the Hardass. He stomped to the tree, leaving deep treadmarks in the solid asphalt. He got right in the tree’s face. He put his nose right against its bark.

“What’s this all about, eh?” he growled.

The tree said nothing.

“Not a talker, huh? Well then. How about a heaping serving of asskickery?” The Hardass drew his titanium knuckled hand back and slammed it into the tree. The maple rocked, and an ominous deep cracking came from its base.

“Like that? Bastard.”

The tree said nothing.

“Holy naked strippers! You just don’t get it, do you?” the Hardass growled into the tree’s stupid face.

He punched it again, and it fell over. The kitten jumped free, and the small child scooped it up.

“Thanks, mister!” he said, and ran off.

The Hardass saluted him.

“Time for some strippers,” he ground through clenched teeth. He hitched up his steel-cable belt and moved toward the Red Light District like turgid thunder.


Jack W. Regan said...

Awww, the Hardass had his...heart? melted by a small child and a kitten.

Favorite Lines:

"...some of it collected in his crags."

"He got right in the tree’s face."

"...the tree’s stupid face."

"'Damn snow. Poofy and sparkly. Hate it.' He pushed onward, fantasizing about nuclear ordinance."

One question: In the first paragraph, is he punching the flakes with hairy power or are the flakes descending with hairy power? I'm hoping for the latter.

Heehee. Just a jokin' wid ya, son. Good post. Glad to see the return of the Hardass in all his hardasskickerynessitude.

Jack W. Regan said...

Oh, and that picture's adorable. And so is the kitten.

Jack W. Regan said...

Or is that a baby bandersnatch?
See FooDaddy's FooDaddy's comment from "Orbital Ramblings.")

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

The kitty is one of my mom's many. I think she was the only one that died young for some reason. Fitting that she should be rescued here on The Blog.

Anonymous said...

aww.. the hardass is trying to show the caring side that we all know he has... well maybe. the kitten is soo cute. I don't know what the strippers have to do withanything but hey that works...

Anonymous said...

MMMMMM... i dunno about the strippers n what ever happend to TREE HUGGING? Kittens are a pain in the ass tho... i have two of them and one goes pysco everytime i try to shower... she even trys to launch from on top of the toliet to jump into the shower with me!!! Wish mine would go climb a tree.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Nice to see you on The Blog, CurvyCometSquirrel. So sexy of you to drop by! Will be applying a hug at the first opportunity. And just for the record, The Hardass does not have a heart. He has a chromium-steel hydraulic pump. It runs on testosterone.

FooGirl'sSpankBuddy: Spanks for your comment! My "kitten," Benchley, does similar things in the bathroom, although he's well-behaved about it. He waits patiently for me to get out, and then he goes in and licks up all the water, bless his poofy little heart.

Anonymous said...

You know what the Hardass should do next? Go bowling. With strippers. And maybe a few pine cones. The kittens could be league bowling a few lanes down, coached by TSB.

It could happen.

Jacob Nordby said...

I only hope that he runs into The Big Lebowski and Walter when he goes bowling (Donny has, lamentably, gone on to his big alley in the cosmos).

Anyway, if Hardass shows up and causes a ruckuss, ol' Walter will shove a 45 auto so far up that Hardass will be guilty of a sentient thought or two about mortality (his own).

Ripping good post, but far too danged short!

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Yeah, this one is rather shorter than the others. I just couldn't think of a way to drag it out much longer, I'm afraid. However, I have had many an idea for a situation for the Hardass to find himself in:

The Hardass Goes to a Baby Shower
The Hardass Goes to the Zoo
The Hardass Goes Shopping
The Hardass Bakes Some Cookies
The Hardass (Actually) Solves a Crime
The Hardass Crochets a Doily
The Hardass Loses a Sock

Jacob Nordby said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jacob Nordby said...

How about

The Hardass Discovers Genital Warts
The Hardass Learns Yoga
The Hardass Changes A Diaper
The Hardass Gets Crabs

Seems like a fertile field. Maybe I can buy a Hardass Franchise from you and write one myself.

Pickle Weasel

Jacob Nordby said...


In Re: nuclear ordnance...

The word is nucular. Pronounced "NUKE-you-ler".

A guy like Hardass would already know that.

I'm smeling a rat.