Monday, December 04, 2006

Duke Dookums, Frontier Hero; Part I

The sun was slowly setting in the…well, I guess it would have been west, as the man with the broad shoulders rode into Dingbat, a small frontier town located just on the edge of Comanche territory. All the other riders on the street watched him come, their faces clearly communicating curiosity and apprehension.

The stranger rode up to the hitching post and dismounted, throwing the reins carelessly over the post. He stretched luxuriously and would have done so a second time, but discovered he couldn’t afford it.

“Crap,” he said, in a voice sonorous with frontier manliness.

An old man sitting on the front porch of the General Store motioned across the street. “Latrine’s thet away, feller,” he said. “By the way, thet’s quite a mount ya' got there.”

The mysterious newcomer leaned forward and glared at the old man. “Are you mocking my mount?” he asked. He leaned forward some more, before finally losing his balance and toppling into the watering trough. Emerging from the water, he coughed and then smiled. “Ah, nothing like a cold bath to invigorate a man after a long day on the trail.” He turned back to the old man. “Now, what were you saying about my mount?”

Obviously worried by the singular poise of the stranger, the codger rose from his seat, knowing that no one would shoot an old man who was off his rocker.

“I was jest observin’,” he said, a bit nervously. “Ya' gotta admit it’s a little unusual fer these parts.”

“I take it you’ve never seen a unicycle before.”

“Can’t say thet I have,” the old man admitted. “Thet’s what thet contraption is?”

“Why, yes,” the stranger said. “Uni means one, while cycle suggests transportation involving the wheel. Therefore, uni-cycle means a one-wheeled mode of transportation.”

“Gotcha,” said the old man. “But ain’t it tough ta' pedal thet thing over rough terrain?”

“Yes, if one is a sniveling wuss,” the stranger said, and flexed his muscles to demonstrate he was neither sniveling nor a wuss. “But I am neither sniveling nor a wuss. I happen to be…a Frontier Hero!”

From somewhere in the lengthening shadows, a dramatic burst of orchestral harmony erupted and the stranger grinned smugly.

“That’s my theme song,” he said. “I had it specially arranged for a full-sized orchestra, although a string quartet is sufficient when funds are low.”

The old man was staring at the stranger with new-found awe. “Dang blast it!” he said. “Good thing I done found this new awe, cause you’re Duke Dookums, ain’tcha?”

“Yes, my good man,” said Duke. “That I am, that I am, that I am. That…I…am.” He hugged himself. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go inside the local saloon, here, and see if I can win some money at craps in order to buy a second luxurious stretch. I always need two after a long day’s ride.”


Anonymous said...

He neither snivels, nor does he wuss.. Mein Gott in Himmel, this Frontier Hero has all the makin's t'be th' new frontrunner for the 2008 Presidenture Election!

I think his comical sidekick should be named Piet "Poot" Dukiesma.

Of course, I could be wrong.

Jack W. Regan said...

Yes, and he hugs himself, so that should fit him right in with all the other politician types.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Man, if I had my own theme music, I'd get some respect, by Bob.

Oh, and "craps" is a funny game. Well, okay, so it's a funny word. It's funny.

"Dookums set his unicycle to graze in a meadow, and sauntered off in search of grog, the confetti in his hair colorfully scattering the high noon sun."

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

I dunno if this was intentional, but I drew a connection between our hero's name (Dookums) and his game (craps).

Heh. Craps. Dookums.

Okay, maybe I'm being needlessly scatological.


Stupid Woman Driver said...

nice pun with the off-the-rocker thing. i got a good chuckle outta that. im looking foreward to part 2

Jack W. Regan said...

That's a good point, Foo, and, no, it wasn't intentional, although it would have been had I thought of it. Okay, so that's a little obvious. Anyway, better be careful with that scatology, or you may be accosted by an anonymous person with a moral axe to grind.

Jack W. Regan said...

Oh, and I love the idea of putting his unicycle out to graze. I may need to use that, if I may.

Jack W. Regan said...

Thanks, The Girlfriend. It was getting late and that's a good time to write this stuff.

Jack W. Regan said...

Stay tuned, PW. I'm considering introducing a questionable relationship between Duke's unicycle and a skateboard of ill-repute.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Yes, you may use the grazing unicycle gag. 'S all yours!

Buck and Duke might need to team up sometime to defeat Thurgood Bastardson and his hordes of evil pointy-bearded cattle punchers. This Duke fellow sounds like quite the champion of justice.

Jack W. Regan said...

Aw, come on, PW. Duke's not even 500 words into his epic adventure. I think Duke and Buck would make a great team. Smashin' and gougin' is one o' Duke's specialties.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I'm leavin' hummin' two songs that are now both stuck in my brain..."Tumblin' Tumbleweed and Duke of Earl"...just strollin' on outta here, partner !

Anonymous said...

You guys are too funny. I love your blog.