Timely Cell Phone Instructions

For the Blog of Stupid participants (founders, bloggers, readers and general population of cretins)

What follows is a simple, timely and important set of instructions and rules for you to follow as you use your cell phone. You may believe some of these rules to be sort of basic, but, believe me, there are those of you who will read them and say "DANG! I gotter stop doin' thet?".

Important, Timely and Relevant Rule #1: NEVER place your phone in a microwave oven as it will cause the battery to explode. (Pickle Weasel's Notes: I know this will seriously cramp your style because it's so wonderful to toss your phone and your popcorn in the microwave together. When you are munching nice, hot, buttery popcorn and holding a nice, warm phone to your ear, heaven seems very close indeed.)

Important, Timely and Relevant Rule # 2: Make sure no sharp-edged items--such as animal's teeth, razor wire or eagle's talons--come into contact with the battery. There is a risk of this causing a fire. (Pickle Weasel's Notes: seems to me that if you are in such a state of peril as to have an animal or an eagle molesting your phone, you may have more to worry about than a cell phone battery fire. Also, "Razor Wire"? Does this mean you should carefully wrap your cell phone up in a sock before attempting to escape over the high-voltage prison fence?)

Important, Timely and Relevant Rule #3: When you are taking a very long bath, remember that it is inadvisable to talk on your cell phone while it is plugged into the wall charging unit. You may drop it into the water and risk electrocution. (Pickle Weasel's Notes: Many of the members of this audience may not have to worry much about this rule--I am thinking that quite a few of you don't take, shall we say, "extended baths". In fact, why the heck don't you take a quick shower right now?).

Important, Timely and Relevant Rule #4: Don't Manually Disassemble Your Phone. (Pickle Weasel's Notes: Yes, my stupid friends, this also means...don't disassemble the phone with a hammer, don't disassemble the phone with a rock, don't ask your pet rhesus monkey (don't they have AIDS? why DO you have a pet rhesus monkey and how did he get AIDS?) to disassemble the phone. If you DO disassemble the phone because you want to find the little woman in there who tells you how many voicemails you haven't listened to, you WON'T be able to get it un-disassembled, you dummy, so DON'T DO IT!!!)

Important, Timely and Relevant Rule #5: Don't drop, shake or strike your phone severely. This may cause a loss of proper function. (Pickle Weasel's Notes: I really shouldn't need to explain this, but... OK, what this rule means is DON'T TRY TO HURT OR PUNISH YOUR PHONE. The phone isn't to blame that your boss called and fired you or your girlfriend just rang up to tell you that (ONLY because of you) she is now a lesbian and to erase her number from your contact list. If you SMACK, SPANK, KICK, THROW or otherwise EXPRESS DISPLEASURE in these ways, your phone will NOT be able to fix the problems in your life. In fact, you will probably have to also buy a new phone--or concoct a very improbably elaborate lie to tell the cell phone warranty folks so you can have them give you a new one for free.)

Important, Timely and Relevant Rule #6: DO NOT use your cell phone in high explosive areas as the phone may generate sparks. (Pickle Weasel's Notes: I doubt you have followed the instructions up to the point with absolute integrity. Because of this, your phone is likely to be cracked, leaking battery juices and probably has some frayed wires and fractured circuit boards. I'll be surprised if your phone isn't smoking and sparking just sitting there on top of your crumpled-up X-Treem Cheez Tater Chipz bag. Anyway, most of my readers would only come into a "high explosive area" by stealth. They certainly wouldn't have the kind of job where they'd be in an area like this legitimately. Therefore, I don't really care if you use your phone in there or not. I think you probably deserve to be blown across several counties and end up wrapped around a telephone pole anyway. So, knock yourself out!)

So, that's about it. If you'll observe these few important rules, you'll find that you and your cell phone will be happy for at least a few more days--until you fall asleep on the toilet and drop it down between your legs. Then, of course, although YOU would be ok with just drying it off and moving on with life, your phone will not have any will to live left. And who could blame it?