Sunday, August 27, 2006

Interview With The Old Man

FooDaddy: Welcome to the show, sir! It's a pleasure to have you on. If I may begin by--

The Old Man: Begin my kneecap! I ain't tellin' you and your fancy suit nuthin' til I get some crackers.

FD: I suppose that could be arranged. We don't normally--

OM: Saltines!

FD: Right. (waves hand in a dismissive gesture) I'll see right to it.

OM: 'Nuffa the dismissery, son.

FD: Very perceptive. Now, it's been obvious to our regular viewer that you've become something of a celebrity here on the Blog of Stupid. You've made headway into the rough-and-tumble world of cotton and stoneware. What has that done to your everyday life?

OM: Er, um. Whut're you on about now? What's this about bone wear? I ain't got osteoporosis! That's a complete bag'a cat burps! (waves cane at host, who shields himself with a copy of the Old Man's autobiography)

FD: I meant, sir, that you're appearing on mugs and T-shirts!

OM: First I heard 'bout it. Rotten buncha... (he trails off and begins rummaging in the front pocket of his sweatshirt) Whur's my mints? Tricky devils.

FD: (coughs politely) Yes, well, that's what my research department told me, and most of them actually wear your shirts on Fridays. It seems you've made quite a splash.

OM: Lies! All lies! I may be older'n you, Chuckles, but I still gots control a my facilities!

FD: Your... Your what? I mean, um. (pause before dawning comprehension) Oh. Oh! No, that's not what I meant! That was just an attempt at mildly offensive potty humor.

OM: Just like your generation, too. And by the way, you can't have nunna these mints. They's mine.

FD: (blank stare)

OM: What's that bitta bum-scrubbery you got there, fatty? (gestures with his chin at the book the host still clutches)

FD: This? (holds book up to camera) This is your autobiography! I'm told that you wrote it in order to pass on your wisdom to the, and now I read from the back cover, "hedonistic little whelps whut's always loud and could use a proper whompin'."

OM: They could!

FD: With your permission, I'd like to read the introduction, sir. We've got a few minutes before we have to go to commercial.

OM: (snoring)

FD: (carrying on valiantly) From the Old Man's autobiography, titled (camera zooms in on cover) I've Had Enough Of This Dill Puckery!

collard greens
ear medsin
grapefruit peels
banana waftins
canned goat
wool swabs...

Uh, wait. (flips through book rapidly) This whole book's nothing but shopping lists!

OM: (waking) Son-of-a--!

FD: (tossing book over shoulder) That's all the time we've got today, folks! When we return, the--

OM: (glaring at host) You're still here? Whut? Hey! I oughta! Whur's my crackers?

fade to black


Jack W. Regan said...

I thoroughly agree with the Old Man being on radio talkshows and TV. He'd make an awesome guest. Imagine him with Leno or Letterman. Those two yahoos wouldn't stand a chance.

Anonymous said...

Paul, this is really great. I love it. You guys should actually write an autobiography bout the ole codger...uh I mean the old man.

Raymond Betancourt said...

Very funny stuff. God only knows what he's going to do with those wool swabs.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

If I know the Old Man, his use of the wool swabs will probably seriously inconvenience somebody. A whole crowd, if he's really on the ball.

Anonymous said...

Why, Ralston Banana Waftins was (were?) the very first breakfast cereal with anhydrated ("freeze-dried" to you) fruit right there in the box with the gerbilflakes.

They were a spinoff of the tech fallout from the MIT Rad Lab and Tuxedo Park skunk works just after dubbya-dubbya two wrapped, and hit the Grand Rapids test market just after travelling at Mach 1.5 with Chuck Yeager in the Bell X-1a, thus giving rise to the marketing slogan "World's Fastest Flakes" that, sadly, was never used.

Why Grand Rapids? They figured that any city that would go for mass fluoridation would be likely to swallow Banana Waftins.

After wafting through the troposphere faster than the speed of yell (thus the name), there wasn't much flavor left, and milk made 'em soggy, so they never made it out of the shadows of obscurity, leaving it to Sealtest to break through 15 years later with their "Cornflakes and Strawberries" cereal.

The Old Man had BWs on his shopping list for a trip to the IGA in 1948, but they never hit the shelves. The Old Man , who was young then, decided never to believe in anything or trust anyone ever again and became the Old Man shortly thereafter.

Moral: Stick with oatmeal and quitcher silly dreamin'.

Jack W. Regan said...

This man knows everything.

Paul FooDaddy Brand said...

Yeah. He'd have you believe that. (smiley emoticon to highlight comment's jesting nature)