Monday, July 17, 2006

Paul the CrimeFighter - Diabolical Doughnutry (part one)

It was another dark and creepy night in the hometown of Paul the CrimeFigher®. Paul had so far spent his evening engaged in a desperate struggle for victory with Pthabbth, the CrimeFighting® Marmoset.

“Look! I spelled “electroencephalograph” on a triple word score box. That’s gotta be, like, five thousand points!”


“Don’t give me any guff, Pthabbth. You wanna go back in the bag?”


“Didn’t think so.” Paul said with a wink. “Besides, I need you alert. Something in the air feels crimey tonight. What’s your MarmoSense™ telling you?”

“Ook, meep meh. Bwah!”

“Holy. Crap.”

Paul leapt to his feet, scattering the letter tiles. Pthabbth ate a couple and scrambled up to his post on Paul’s shoulder. “Bweep!” he said, and tugged on Paul’s ear.

“Yeeeesss, doughnuts would hit the spot, wouldn’t they? Good thinking Pthabbth. To the CrimeWagon™!” Paul said, striking a pose. The pose fell over and shattered. “It was time to replace that one anyway,” Paul said, checking his LED keychain flashlight and putting on his cape. Pthabbth agreed by becoming bitey.

The CrimeWagon™ was a brown 1987 Taurus station wagon with a lot of rust and a missing rear window. Most of its decorative trim had fallen off long ago, and one of its fenders was red.

“Crank, crank and awaaaaay!” Paul shouted and turned the key. There was a single weak “wonk” noise from under the hood, and the Wagon fell silent. The dash lights flickered out, and the interior of the car went dark.


“That’s true. We do appear to have been sabotaged. Some bandit has snucked in here and left my dome light on! You keep watch up in the luggage rack while I dust for prints, Pthabbth!”

The little marmoset scrambled to the roof of the CrimeWagon and chewed contentedly on the plastic luggage restraints. “Woop!” he suggested.

“That’s a good idea, Pthabbth. There could be clues on the floor!” Paul thundered. He jerked his head out of the glovebox and hit it on the roof. The sudden noise caused Pthabbth to jump and shriek. Paul removed his LED keychain flashlight from its custom hip holster and squeezed it. Its beam, surprisingly bright for such a small bulb, cast shadows about the interior of the CrimeWagon, and Paul was pleased.

“I’m pleased!” he tittered.

“Meek, ormp?” asked Pthabbth, swinging into the car through the rear window.

“No, that’s just a figure of speech. My name’s still Paul.”


“Yes, and you’re still Pthabbth, Pthabbth. If that were to change, I’d alert you immediately. Don’t you worry, little guy!”

Pthabbth vibrated with glee and banged his tiny fists on the car’s leather seat cushions. Suddenly he froze. Eyes wide and pupils dilated, he bushed up his fur and made low grumbly noises in his throat. His tail thrashed from side to side in an agitated manner.

“Keep your tail out of that manner,” Paul rebuked. “You’ll get it all full of fur, and that’ll ruin it. Stuff’s expensive!” he added with a grin. Pthabbth hooted and squirted out of the tailgate and into the night. “It looks like my assistant has detected the foul stench of evil!” Paul intoned dramatically to the empty glovebox, and re-holstered his squeezy light. He clambered out of the car and peered heroically into the dark parking lot.

A silver sedan had pulled up, and a man was stepping out. Pthabbth was jumping excitedly on the sedan’s hood and throwing twigs about.

“This could only mean one thing,” Paul mumbled into his shirtsleeve, “and I aim to get doughnuts out of it one way or another!”

…to be continued!


Raymond Betancourt said...

"crimey"...possibly the finest newly invented word since Stephen Colbert's "truthiness".

Donnie Massengill said...

Someone has way to much time on their hands Or is retired. Great story can't wait for the next episode!!!!!

Muppers said...

Retired or retarded? Only jesting.

Jack W. Regan said...

Pthabbth. I love that. You mentioned recording this story. I think you should, it'd be great.

Jack W. Regan said...

Oh, yeah, and this is an awesome story. I'd say it rivals Bob, but I'm afraid of irritating Larry. As you know, that only makes him happier. And I couldn't take that.

Anonymous said...

Love it!

We should point out that Pthabbth is a pygmy marmoset, about the size of a good-sized gerbil. He's a diurnal gumophore and comes from South America. Don't believe us? See

Anonymous said...

Ha ha, just testing you, TimeWasters. The non-pretend term denoting an animal that gets some or all of its nutrients from tree sap or gum is gumivore. A gumophore would be a pygmy marmoset offering you a stick of Juicy Fruit, then flashing you a look at the stash of Fruit Stripe, Black Jack, Clorets, Teaberry, Rain-Blo, and the gum that no pygmy marmoset is ever without, Chiclets, displayed in the lining of his tiny trenchcoat (not visible in photo). In other words, he'd be a gum-bearing animal, by gum.

Jack W. Regan said...

I like the idea of Pthabbth "allowing" people a quick look at a huge cache of chewy candy and then promising us a quick smell of a foil wrapper if we're really good.

"Really? Wow, thanks, Pthabbth!"

Anonymous said...

By the way, the photo of Pthabbth is copyright Michael Turco, a very talented wildlife photographer. Visit his site at,

you'll be glad you did.