Friday, March 28, 2008
Once upon a time, there was an old man who was confused by walnuts. Daily he would pace in front of his picture window holding one pinched between his gnarled thumb and pinky finger and scowl at the nut.
"What the hell?" he would grunt. Sometimes he would also say "These things is hardly natural!" Often he could even be heard to remark, if you were secreted away in his house somewhere within hearing range, "I just don't get it. Why do the llamas love you so?"
Of course the old man could be forgiven for not realizing that llamas didn't really much care for walnuts. The llamas, in their infinite wisdom, prefer linoleum.
One day while the man was pacing and interrogating his daily walnut, he noticed a duck outside on his lawn. He put the walnut down on the sill and approached the duck.
"What's all this?" he inquired sweetly, waving a fist.
"Wonk," stated the duck in the brilliant simplicity his species is known for.
"Seriously. I demand to know the meaning of this. It's February and this is Canada. Shouldn't you be in Barbados or someplace?"
"Wonk," replied the duck, cocking an eyebrow.
"Foolishness!" squeaked the old man, taken aback. He glared stolidly at the impertinent fowl. By golly, he wasn't going to be outmaneuvered by a duck in his own yard! He pointed at the picture window in the front of his house, the walnut clearly visible on the sill.
"That right there's some kinda nut thing, duck. I demand you tell me all you know of it, or I'll boot-kick you right outta my yard."
The duck thought deeply.
The duck scratched at the grass with a webbed foot.
The duck frowned thoughtfully.
Then the duck looked back up at the old man, his face alight with the wisdom of the ages.
"Wonk!" he said.
"Sweet peanut-butter filled Pope cookies!" yelped the old man, as all became clear to him. He patted the duck on the head and scooted back into his house. He picked the walnut up, and using his fist against the solid kitchen table, broke the nut open. He took the pieces out to the duck and gave them to him.
"Wonk," said the appreciative duck, and ate the walnut pieces.
"Now I shall call my family and explain to them this revelatory experience! Perhaps I shall even go on talk shows. You may be in my grass all you want, ducky my lad. If you need me, I'll be inside, being enlightened."
The old man went inside his house and became famous the very next day.
Posted by Paul FooDaddy Brand at 11:18 PM