Saturday, December 08, 2007

The Limb of Satan

He scratched his nose and flipped the page of a nearly worn-out Maxxim magazine.

It was tight quarters in the 737 bathroom, but he liked it fine.

"Tap, tap", someone knocked politely and cleared their throat.

Lonnie "Limb of Satan" Duggins made a loud, juicy farting sound with his mouth and groaned horribly.

The knocking person said a muffled, "...uh..oh, sorry" and disappeared.

Lonnie glanced over at his video iPod he'd duct taped to the mirror. The movie was nearly finished. The iPod's battery indicator was flashing weakly.

"Pig twats!" Lonnie grunted.

The iPod flickered and went dark.

Footsteps approached and a voice came through the door, "Sir, are you doing alright?"

Lonnie thumped his feet on the door and groaned a little more.

"I'll be ok pretty soon."

Outside the door, "Ok...you've been in there for an hour and a half. Let me know if I can do anything for you. Shall we have a doctor for you in Tulsa."

Lonnie turned a page and made another bowel-centric mouthnoise.

(piteously) "No, I'll be done pretty soon." Hot damn! These magazine womens were foxalicious!

The footsteps went away.

Lonnie uncapped his tarnished brass pocket flask and sipped from it. This was travelling like the Almighty had intended when She invented Boeing (Someone else invented Airbus).

More footsteps outside the door. Feet shuffling around.

Lonnie picked up his water bottle and poured the vile smelling liquid he'd prepared out on the floor so it would run under the door.

Feet hopping. A muffled squeal. Footsteps disappear.

Lonnie scratched his belly right under the waistband of his Family Guy boxer shorts and grinned.

He was irresponsibly rich--having been born the only son of a pork magnate who left him a gigantic fortune after dying in the bed of a transvestite Jewish hooker. He could travel any way he wished--he had four private jets--but he loved to impose his eccentric methods on humans of lesser resource.

Lonnie heard the captain's voice through the speakers announcing that they would land in about 3 minutes.

He struggled to his feet, stuffed the magazine halfway down the toilet hole and glanced in the mirror.

He was wearing a ragged brown bathrobe over two layers of promotional Marlboro t-shirts (both never washed). He scratched the four day's stubble on his jowls and beamed at himself.

This had been a nice trip.

He took a key out of his pocket and raked it across the face of the iPod on the mirror a few times.

Then he peed in the sink and left the bathroom just in time to get back to his reclinable seat in row 1-B before the plane landed in Tulsa.

7 comments:

Stupid Blogger's Wifey said...

It is a good thing that most planes have two very small and miniscule potties.

The Stupid Blogger said...

I like the idea of a large, unkempt, and very rich eccentric dude flying coach and commandeering the bathroom for the entire flight. Also, the idea that he's not satisfied just being eccentric, but has to impose it on everyone else. At first I thought you were writing about Michael Moore, but I guess Lonnie will do. For some reason, I also find it amusing that he's flying to Tulsa. The perfect town. Shall we see more of Mr. Duggins?

P.S. How'd get his nickname?

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Well, Stupey, I'm surprised you should have to ask how a fellow "limb o' Satan" got his nickname.

He got it by generally helping to carry out the work of Satan in this world. He got it by combining a lack of any social grace with a spirit of general cussedness. He got it by displaying such a nimbleness of mischief that people had no choice but to get creative with names for him. Simply calling him a "jerk" obviously wouldn't be strong enough.

By the way, I keep hoping someone will notice and comment upon the delicious irony of Lonnie's father--his profession and the circumstances of his death.

Also, Michael Moore is a perfect candidate to play Lonnie. He'd need to take his glasses off and get his hair cut in a light reddish stubble all over his head.

Pickle Weasel!

The Stupid Blogger said...

I was hoping there was some defining moment in Lonnie's life that caused him to be labeled as "Limb of Satan."

After all, there are many good candidates in the world, who meet your basic criteria: "by generally helping to carry out the work of Satan in this world...by combining a lack of any social grace with a spirit of general cussedness...by displaying such a nimbleness of mischief that people had no choice but to get creative with names for him...

However, you call him THE Limb of Satan. Is Lonnie simply more adept at carrying, lacking socially, and mischief display than everyone else, or is there more to the story? That's what I was asking.

Actually, I was merely hinting for more Lonnie tales. Or perhaps the word "tale" is too idyllic. Perhaps "narrative" or even "saga" would be better.

Ah! Pork magnate...Jewish hooker. Or perhaps we should say, "Swine magnate." A little too fast for me, there, PW.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

thanks for your hints. I was doing a sort of test to see if perhaps Lonnie may be a regular here---sort of like The Old Man...but in a different way.

He seems like a kind of lovable jerk. You want him to be annoying as long as it's not YOUR flight he's on.

More on LOS later.

The Stupid Blogger said...

That's really the basis for most humor, if we are to be brutally honest. Terrible, unpleasant, maddening things happening to other people.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Lonnie is a Professional Bastard, just like me! Although he has managed to work his way to a leadership position; The Father of All Bastard, "The Limp of Satan."

Or whatever.

Good stuff in here though, Norbert. I'm keen to hear what kind of other evil mischief Lonnie can get himself into.

Keep it up!

--Teh FuDaddy