Tips for Budding Romeos

As Pickle Weasel has astutely pointed out, I happen to be irresistible to womens. Frankly, I’m not sure why this is, but it may be a combination of my rugged physique, chiseled features, and the fact I’m a celebrated fighter pilot.

Because of my extensive experience in the world of females and due to the fact I was ridiculously successful in these endeavors, I have generously decided to share my wealth of knowledge with all the would-be Romeos who patronize this Blog.

STAGE ONE: The Planning

It is important to plan your efforts carefully, unless you are an expert at winging it in the presence of beautiful babes. I happen to be adept and can therefore afford to freestyle. In the early stages of your training, however, having a plan can save you valuable time and Humiliation Points. You’ll want to hoard up as many HPs as possible for use in the first five years of marriage.

Stage One actually has two sub-stages. The first of these is The Outfit™. Many guys assume they can simply toss on some old duds and swagger down to the local meet-n-greet. No. You must prepare carefully. Your underwear is very important, for example. Droopy long-johns are not acceptable. In fact, long-johns are not acceptable, period. My advice is to go out and purchase a brand new pack of briefs just for the occasion. They should be solids (black is preferred among the vast majority of women) and should fit snugly, just in case.

Don’t assume by the above advice I am assuming you will make such a positive impression on first meeting that the lady in question will request to inspect your undergarments, but it’s important to increase your own self-confidence in any way possible. Besides, there is always the possibility something untoward will occur that will force you to exhibit said garments against your will.

For example, let’s say you are leaning on the bar, awaiting your order of sarsaparilla, when a stunning example of feminine wiles flows into the room on a breath of heady, but tastefully applied, perfume. Every man in the place, including you, will immediately suck in his stomach and expand his chest. The sudden decrease in waist size could, shall we say, lead to a massive expenditure of Humiliation Points. If you’re also wearing a lousy pair of skivvies, you may as well go home right away.

The rest of The Outfit™ is not as important as the previous, but it has its place. You should plan according to the establishment. For example, you never want to wear a tuxedo to Bingo Night, but they are entirely appropriate for most other occasions, including mini-golf and horseshoe tournaments.

The second sub-stage is too advanced for now. We'll come back to it at a later date.

STAGE TWO: The Arrival

This is a tricky routine to get down, but once it is mastered, can spell success in even the toughest crowds. You want to arrive in style, but not so grandly it is assumed you are unapproachable. You want to make a statement, but not too loudly.

Limousines are definitely out. They say, “Admire me, ladies, but stay back. I’ve got a harem waiting at my suite.” You don’t want that. No, you don’t. Personally, I feel a carefully timed arrival via unicycle is a good way to go. Just be sure to knot up the tail of your tuxedo prior to the trip, in order to avoid getting it caught in the spokes. Nothing’s uncooler (except saying “uncooler”) than arriving at your destination wearing a raggedy tuxedo. Bad form, mate.

Upon arrival, bring your unicycle to a screeching halt in front of the establishment and pay the nearest homeless person a quarter to park it. They will steal it, but that is a small price to pay for this incredible image you are creating.

Next, wait at the front door for someone to notice The Outfit™, recognize your superiority, and open the door for you. If this doesn’t happen within ten minutes, unknot the tail of your tuxedo.

Once inside, take your time before getting a seat or standing in line for a sandwich. See, most people get uncomfortable when walking into a new place. They think everyone is looking at them and want to immediately blend in. No, you must stand out. To do this, simply stand in the doorway for a minute or two and gaze around the room indifferently. Once everyone has shaken their head and looked away, go ahead and sit down.

STAGE THREE: The Hunt

It’s important not to appear “on the hunt.” So taking a shotgun with you is really frowned upon. Unless you live in Texas, in which case, go ahead. You don’t want to appear backward. After considerable practice, you will begin to master the art of being casual, while still exuding a smoldering sexuality no woman can resist. And, no, setting your hair on fire will not help. Tried that. Ouch. Stupid woman beat my head with a Pomeranian.

Anyway, enough of these sordid memories.

Sit around the bar/coffeehouse/restaurant/wherever the hell you are, until a specimen catches your eye. Then grab her by the hair and drag her back to your cave, where you shall ply her with raisin bran until she agrees to give you want you want. Yes! A foot massage!

No, wait, that’s my tip for the Truly Desperate. You should not do that. At least, not right away. First, you should make eye contact. She’ll probably glance away immediately, as people are apt to do when actually looking a stranger in the eye, but don’t do the same. Keeping looking, not staring. If she looks up again, you’ve got her.

STAGE FOUR: The Kill

After a couple more glances, try smiling. Not a large, toothy grin, but a “Hi, my name’s Balderdash. Can I sit there?” smile. If she smiles back, even a little, rise from your chair and walk over. She will probably throw scalding coffee on…you, but she’s merely being coy. Ignore this behavior and sit down quickly.

You should engage in small talk. Be interested in her and don’t talk about yourself within the first fifteen minutes. Unless she brings it up. In which case, lie like crazy.

Once you have dazzled her with your exploits (none of which should include other women, by the way), tell her you’ve enjoyed the evening, but that you have an early appointment at Carnegie Hall and really must go. Ask for her phone number.

Call her within two days, if you want. Otherwise, cut up the number with a pair of dull shears, because now, you can have all the women you want. You’re welcome.