Sunday, May 27, 2007

Anybody Need An Epic?

The Blog has been in existence for over a year now and we’ve gotten numerous complaints regarding an outbreak of carpal tunnel syndrome, due to the frantic clicking in which Blog visitors have been engaging in an attempt to read and reread the brilliant scribblings contained therein.

Well, we’ve set out to remedy this. Using the skill we’ve honed to the edge of a dull baseball bat, we would both like to take this opportunity to announce a solution using awkward sentences here in this dual post! Each paragraph has been contributed by either The Stupid Blogger, or me. You’ll not be able to tell who contributed each one, due to our intrinsic craftiness. *both chuckle and hi-five*

In an effort to alleviate this hardship to our readers, we have each put together a book containing all our posts from the past year. Well, okay. Not all of us have done so. Just FooDaddy and me. Pickle Weasel, sadly, doesn’t seem to have enough material to put together a volume of adequate length. Of course, since Idahoans are too busy mining for valuable metals, such as petrified gnome excrement, it is understandable that he would be unable to devote sufficient time to a project of such monumental proportions.

Ha ha! Those silly Iowans and their ancient gnomes. All kidding aside, we are seriously offering you out there in the Real World the chance to own a paper version of our precious Blog’s first year. You will see it grow from a clumsy, gummi-bear-encrusted toddler into the globe-straddling colossus it is today. You will get to see newly made graphics, bonus material in the form of non-online posts and intros, and it will all be on paper so you can show your friends and relatives. Anyone you wish to impress with your obvious good taste.

Of course, we don’t wish to exclude any non-readers out there, so we are willing to admit that there are many other uses for a book of this nature. Allow me to list a few of these options:

1. This book is perfect for stabilizing wobbly chairs and tables.
2. Take a copy with you into court sessions in order to add credence to your plea of innocent by reason of insanity.
3. Use it to provide discipline to small children, either by beating them over the head or forcing them to read a few choice passages.

These and other activities should convince all of you that purchasing large quantities of these volumes is absolutely essential.

You may be tempted to make the argument that the books’ contents are available for free on the internet, so why buy them? This argument is false. The Internet can do a lot, but you cannot prop furniture up with it. I’m impressed that we were even able to get them published. We promise we will not use the wealth we are sure to accumulate to buy frivolous things like boats, silk neckties, skyscrapers, ice scrapers, or lots and lots of buttered popcorn. We will use it to feed our families or pets and the rest we shall put toward future operations regarding nonsense.

So, if your life seems unfulfilled, feel free to click on the provided links and examine the merchandise. Oh, and if you’re ever in Idowa, it wouldn’t hurt to drop Pickle Weasel a line expressing consolatory sentiments. Perhaps sometime within the next century, he will have accumulated enough material to join our exclusive club. Until then, perhaps all of you can support him in his current line of work by visiting his online museum of petrified excrement and even patronizing the gift shop.

I heartily recommend the keyring with the polished GnomePoo® fob. Stylish AND cultured! Now buy our stuff! You’ll be glad you did.

We’ll be glad you did, I mean. We pride ourselves on our honesty.

Purchase Dear Time-Wasters

Purchase The Stupid Blogger Chronicles

13 comments:

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

Idewild?

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

^should be spelted Idlewild^

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Not that we recommend beating children with books.

Unless they really deserve it.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Idle children, OR wild ones.

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

Idono?

Iodoformaho?

Idabakedacakeaho?

...Edelweiss?

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Hey youse guys

It's a proven fact that Michiganians have triglyceride levels that are out of control.

Somehow I view Idahoan's interest in collecting antique gnome scat as a lesser problem.

This, therefore, proves indisputably that Idahonians are a superior race. (see how easy it is to be superior? find someone who is MORE screwed up that you in just ONE area of life and then compare yourself favorably to them)

Also, although I have not contributed quite as much material to this Blog over the last year, my musings have been so potent that they equal whatever paltritudinousness you may have scribbled (don't even think of challenging my use of that term!).

I WILL publish a book of my bloggings and I WILL make up for a lack of content by having lots of mostly blank, but fashionably textured pages as filler. If big name politicians and celebrities can do that, then so can I.

Heck with quality writing. Heck with Steinbeck.

Volume, baby!
Heft, baby!


THE Pickle Weasel

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

By the way

Stupid, I have a copyright or patent or whatever on the practice of using blank pages to increase the gravitas of my volumes. You may not use this strategy unless you agree to give me a royalty of at least %78.7 percent of your gross book sales on LuLu.

I am freaking impressed by Lulu, also.

I can't wait to write something so I can finally make a book.

At last! I shall be free from the tyranny of narrow-minded and uncreative editors who have rejected my work in the past. Fie on them all.

HAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaaaaaaaaa... *snortle*..........ha...HA!

Lulu.com rules!

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

Idahanions?

Idahovians?

Yoodahoonians?

Whatdaheynians?


Well, anyway..

Eh? What's that, Pthabbth, the CrimeFighting® Pygmy Marmoset? Buy those two kids' blogbooks and read all about you? Of course, li'l fella. Don't fret. Somebody will, and then they won't keep asking me for spare change, and maybe we'll all move to Miami.

foodaddy's foodaddy said...

Paul wanted me to add:

"I'daho... buddeye lawstid hit!"

Okay. We're done.

Jacob "Pickle Weasel" Nordby said...

Hey you Toothless Fascinations!

Ideehoe ain't nearly as back'ard as ye think, ya skonks...ya consarned pole cats!

Truth be told, we are a rugged and intelligent people. Independent and self-contained, we stand aloof from the vicissitudes of national politics, global disasters, celebrity meltdowns, etc.

When the rest of you are killing and eating one another out of desparation and boredom, we will be politely devouring potato products and having haiku-offs in the abandoned rodeo grounds.

If thet don't sound jist about weird, then I don't knows whut do!

PW

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Goodluck with the books gentlemen...I'd offer to plug them on my blog, but I think even the purple chicken gets more visitors than I do.

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Thanks, DriveBy! We appreciate the thought. I'm sure your blog gets at least as many views as the Chicken. Most of the commentary on our posts comes from ourselves and our families. We're lame that way.

All hail the Purple Cockerel!

Paul "FooDaddy" Brand said...

Oh, and Pickerel Needle, I have yet to locate this online gnome poo-rock exhibit. Please provide me with a link, as Google seems to have overlooked it.